Agent of Chaos
by AJ Andreason
Summary: Beware the Plot of the Agent of Chaos, for he comes not to solve the life of Ranma Saotome, but to throw it that much more into slapstick dissarry...
1. Midget of Destruction

Disclaimer: I do not own Ranma 1/2 or any associated thingies I'm sure you've heard so many times you could recite them gagged in a drug-induced sleep.

Agent of Chaos

**__**

Chapter I: Midget of Destruction 

It's entirely possible that Ranma Saotome has dull days. You know, the kind where the panda sleeps in and forgets the morning practice session, school is slept through without incident, and rivals and fiances settle back awhile to concoct their next sure-fire plan to kill/marry Saotome. 

Of course, they might just be gawking at a pair of poster-sized pictures hung on their wall, feverishly scanning the pages of "Voodoo for Dummies," or just plain getting themselves lost. In fact, it's a wonder that this particular group manages to bother Ranma at all.

Anyway, the point is, there could be times when nothing happens. But who the heck cares? Who wants to hear about the days where the most exciting thing happening is a sudden rainfall?

Needless to say, today was not going to be one of those days. It was late; the last red-gold rays of the sun were fading away like the last hundred dollars in a gambler's bank account, and Ranma sat in his usual place on the roof to watch them go. His pig-tailed hair was ruffled ever so slightly in the breeze--dramatic effects being what they are--and his eyes were calm and thoughtful as he looked out over the place called Nerima.

Perhaps he was thinking deep thoughts about life. Maybe he was wondering about the meaning of his existence, why he had to put up with so much of the crap he did. Maybe he was worrying about Akane, or perhaps his mother.

There was a clatter as five dice rolled out over the tiles. Ranma swore. 

"A two, a three, a one, and two fives," he muttered crossly, scribbling the total on a small piece of paper. "I'll never beat Nabiki's score at this rate."

Then again... 

Ranma rose to his feet, and a fiery aura circled around him. "If this one doesn't get a high number..." he told the dice threateningly. He almost threw the black-spotted cubes into the small tray, his eyes burning as he watched them settle one by one. "A six. Another six. Alright, so far so good... A six! Two more! Come ON... Another six! YES! One more to go, and it's gonna be the highest score! Come on, COME ON..."

The final die spun drunkenly in front of Ranma, close enough to almost brush one side of the little box. Ranma tensed each time it wobbled or dipped, his face almost near enough for his nose to touch. He had to maintain focus; mind over cube. His next weeks worth of lunch money hinged on this! If he didn't win his bet with Nabiki, he would only be able to eat AKANE'S lunches! 

That thought brought Ranma new and profound determination, and with inhuman effort, concentrated his whole being on that last, black spotted die, willing it to obey his command.

Later on, looking back at that moment, he should have realized that something big was up when it landed on a nine.

Ranma blinked, and squinted to look more carefully at the white block. Sure enough, nine little black pips stared back unblinkingly in three neat rows. 

"Weird," he thought aloud.

"That's MISTER Weird to you, son," a deep voice replied.

Ranma was on his feet and into a fighting stance in the amount of time it takes most people to decide between being slowly tortured to death or having an ice-cream cone. His eyes darted, quickly latching onto the person that had spoken. His jaw dropped.

A man stood there. He was dressed in a fine white three-piece suit and silver tie, and dark red army boots that almost reached his thigh. His eyes--one green and the other a burnished, pupiless gold--gleamed mischievously out from under a wide-brimmed, rumpled-looking hat, and he had a fierce black beard bushing out from his chin that fell to his chest. The center of his face was dominated by a wide, flat nose that looked as though it had been broken and then set badly.

He was also six inches tall. 

"Who, w-what--" Ranma sputtered.

"Good day to you," the VERY little man cut in in a voice like a bass drum, "and though it looks like you've heard of me, allow me to introduce myself. The name's Who W. Weird. Mr. Weird to you. Or did I already say that?"

"Um, I think--"

"No matter, no matter. Yes, we must get to business right away. I'm here for a reason, you know." He paused, as if trying to remember what the reason was. His eyes lit up, and he leapt twice his height into the air--or about a foot or so, give or take an inch.

"Ah ha!" he boomed, "I've got it! I'm here to offer you a proposition, son. Yes, that's it."

"What kind of proposition?" Ranma asked him. His eyes brightened. "To solve all my problems?" he added hopefully.

Mr. Weird frowned. "No, of course not, son. What kind of Agent of Chaos would I be if I got rid of your problems?" He laughed thunderously, shaking his head. "No, son, I'm hear to ADD to your problems--that is, if you'll accept."

Ranma felt his jaw bounce off his knees for the second time today. "Why would I want MORE problems?" he asked incredulously. 

The little man drew out a mallet easily twenty times his own size and smashed Ranma on the head with it. "Never ask why," he thundered sternly, and then added, "It's terribly rude."

Ranma rubbed the large knot on his head, his left eye twitching madly. "And hammerin' somebody on the head ISN'T?" he snarled. Small waves of heat began to wash into the air around him.

The little man considered it. "I see your point, but it's also rude to point out other people's mistakes." The wooden hammer made another miraculous appearance, about twice as big as the last time.

*WHAM!*

Ranma pulled himself out of the top of the roof, his new headache fading suddenly with a rush of adrenaline. His battle aura roared to full life around him, making the tiles beneath his feet shudder and crack. "Oh, you are SO DEAD..."

Mr. Weird appeared to be considering his options--and his mortality. He grinned amiably, and started to back away. "Well, I'll come back later, when you've had the chance to think it over," he said, his voice becoming octaves higher as he wore on. "After all, can't be hasty with these decisions. No, that wouldn't do at all..." He quickly drew back the sleeve of his suit coat, glancing at a good-sized grandfather clock that appeared. "Yes, well, look at the time, gotta be--YIPE!"

"MOKO TAKABISHA!"

Weird narrowly dodged the blast, almost losing his large hat. The midget made a break for it, his little legs pumping with surprising speed, and he actually managed to leap to the next rooftop. Ranma took off after him, his eyes glowing with a rather evil light.

***

Some time later, Ranma strode through the living room, looking tired but satisfied. Akane looked up from the TV as he walked past, but Nabiki continued to ignore him. Akane frowned. 

"Where have you been, Ranma?" she asked worriedly.

Ranma paused and turned to her, then grinned. 

"Midget hunting," he said fiercely, and then threw his head back and laughed downright diabolically. Without pausing to see their reaction, he strode out of the room, his laughter trailing behind him.

Akane and Nabiki looked at each other and blinked. 

"Bizarre."

"You said it, sis."

***

Later that night, Nabiki frowned down on a little tally sheet, tapping her lip absently with a finger. She blinked, and then looked more closely at it.

"Wait a second! Just how do you get a score of 33 with only five six-sided dice?"

***

The next day dawned bright and early--which was a good thing, seeing as any day in the summer that dawned dark and late would have astrologers and doomsayers whipped into foam-mouthed hysterics. Not to mention the havoc it'd cause on the solar-powered car race scheduled that afternoon. 

In any case, a few hours after dawn, breakfast was being eaten at the Tendo residence. There wasn't much talk--the loud gulping and slurping sounds made conversation difficult--but aside from the usual noise, it seemed like a quiet and peaceful morning. The kind of Saturday morning that made you just want to kick back, watch some TV, and maybe go for a walk and enjoy the sunshine a little bit.

Ranma had a gut feeling it wouldn't last.

Even as the rice seemingly evaporated from his bowl, Ranma's eyes wandered around to all the doorways and windows, darting at sudden movements. When Kasumi came out of the kitchen to collect some dirty dishes, he nearly jumped out of his skin, whipping out his chopsticks and holding them in front of him like daggers.

Kasumi blinked and gave a startled "Oh, my..." and Ranma froze. He relaxed slowly, scratching the back of his head and laughing nervously. It sounded more than a little forced.

Genma Saotome frowned briefly at him before returning to his meal, but Kasumi and Akane eyed him worriedly.

"Is everything alright, Ranma-kun?" Kasumi asked tentatively.

"What? Oh... no, it nothin'."

Akane leaned closer, a little worry line creasing her forehead. "Are you sure, Ranma? Nothing's wrong?"

Ranma shook his head. "No... well, yeah, but it's no big deal. I can handle it."

Akane's look grew more stern. "Come on Ranma, out with it. What's up?"

Ranma glared at her. "I just got a funny feeling, okay? No biggie, if you ask--"

"A funny feeling?" Nabiki said, appearing so suddenly beside Ranma that he nearly shot through the roof. "What kind of funny feeling?" Her eyes narrowed. "An Impending Doom kind of feeling? A Massive-Property-Damage-Is-Imminent kind of feeling?"

"I don't know," Ranma snapped, detaching himself from the ceiling, "I ain't exactly got my feelings catalogued. Why do you ask?"

Nabiki was already scribbling down a number and handing it to Akane. "This is the number of our emergency construction firm, in case something major gives out. I'm giving one to Kasumi too, just in case you get kidnapped."

"Hey! It doesn't happen THAT often."

Nabiki gave her a very level look.

"Okay, maybe it does."

"But where are you going, Nabiki?" Kasumi asked suddenly.

"There's a solar-powered car race I'm taking bets on. Daddy's already there; he's a judge. 

"I was wondering where Tendo was this morning," Genma murmured into his cup.

"So," Nabiki continued, "unless something drastic happens," she glared briefly at Ranma, who gave her an offended look, "I should be gone most of the day."

Kasumi nodded. "Alright, imouto-chan. Have fun!"

Nabiki nodded, and then turned on Ranma. "And I'll be having a little talk with YOU later," she told him, and almost marched out of the house.

Ranma blinked, turning to Akane. "What'd I do now?"

Akane shrugged. "You know Nabiki. She probably lost money on something."

"Hmm... can't think of anything. Weird."

"I told you, son," a voice echoed somewhere near Akane, "That's Mr. Weird to you."

Before even Ranma could react, Akane spun around, quickly spotting the little man. Then her automatic senses to short old men in her close proximity kicked in, and she responded with a knee-jerk reaction.

*WHAM!*

There was a short pause while Genma, reacting to his own natural instincts, fled the room and did a dive into the koi pond and stayed there.

"Not bad, girl," Mr. Weird's unsteady voice came from inside the floor, somewhere beneath a huge mallet, "but you need just a bit of a twist when you hit the target. Gives it a nice turning impact. But you're young and stupid; it'll come, some day."

Akane slowly removed the large blunt object from the new hole, peering down at the thing inside. Who W. Weird leapt out, seeming totally unhurt. The little man regarded Akane for a moment, who looked as if she didn't know whether to apologize or finish the job, and then he whirled around to face Ranma again, his little arms folded in front of his chest.

"So," Weird boomed, "we meet again, Ranma Saotome. Are you ready to accept my offer?"

Ranma snorted loud enough to startle nearby birds. "Not a chance in hell, shorty."

The Agent of Chaos shook his head sadly, his face set and firm. "Then I'm afraid there's no other way. I'll have to force you to agree."

Ranma glared at the little man in the eye--which he had to bend more than double to accomplish. "And just what are you going to do, you dwarfed, runty excuse for a midget?"

The little man smiled. Ranma had seen that kind of smile before. The other person who wore it usually went around in a blue gymnastics leotard, twirling a long red ribbon and laughing hysterically at nothing.

This, Ranma thought to himself, could be a Bad Sign. 

Mr. Weird leapt back, and after a short yet complicated dance in a small circle, he snapped his fingers sharply. There was a rushing sound, followed by a loud pop. Ranma tensed, ready for something huge and scaly with ten-inch fangs to come leaping out of Nowhere. For a moment, though, it looked like nothing had happened.

"And just what was THAT supposed to do, you... you..." Ranma trailed off when he realized that the room was somehow very crowded now. Slowly, his eyes traveled around the small eating area, growing wider and wider as he made his way around.

Ryoga, Mousse, Kuno, Ryu Kumon, Lime, Mint, Happosai and even Azusa Shiratori were all staring at the pig-tailed martial artist in surprise. Well, Ryoga was more angry than surprised. He was the only one used to suddenly ending up at Tendo-ke for no apparent reason--from his point of view, anyway.

After a short pause for breath, the room suddenly became very loud. Challenges, death threats, demands for explanations, lewd suggestions and the occasional "Oh, Francine!" flew around the room, and there was a mad rush. Ranma had just an instant to look despairingly at Akane.

"Doomed," he told her weakly.

"No joke," she sighed.

***

Several long, hectic, exhausting, and otherwise painful hours later, Ranma and Akane sat perched on top of the flattened remains of Tendo-ke, blankly watching as Kasumi shuffled around, humming something cheery and gathering up bits of furniture and other valuables. Both he and Akane looked more than a little frazzled, as though they'd stood too close to a lightning rod in a thunderstorm, but Ranma had the extra effect of looking like a few herds of elephants had decided he was a pretty good place to stampede.

"Ranma," Akane said suddenly, swaying only slightly, "Don't you think you'd better hide or something? I'd hate to be around when Nabiki and Daddy come home..."

"I ain't goin' nowhere unless it's in an ambulance," came Ranma's feeble reply.

"If Nabiki finds you here, you'll be going in a hearse."

"...Good point."

"Well!" Mr. Weird's huge voice erupted suddenly from all around them, "Now you can see just a little of what I can do. I will come and make my offer again tomorrow. If you still refuse, I'm afraid I'll have to get... drastic. Good afternoon!"

There was a moment of stunned silence, and then Ranma and Akane looked slowly at each other--it was tougher for Ranma, whose neck wouldn't work properly--and sighed.

"This is all your fault, baka," Akane said vaguely.

"No it ain't, tomboy," Ranma replied, one eye drooping dangerously.

"Baka."

"Tomboy."

"Baka."

"Tomboy."

"Baka."

"Tom..." Ranma trailed off and started to snore.

"Ha. I win." 

Suddenly, two snores filled the air, marking with special prominence what would later be called the First Day of Chaos. How much later? Well, that's not the point at all. Besides, that would land us in a needless and tedious debate on the exact calendar, which would waste our time much as has been done in this paragraph, not to mention it might change at the author's whim.

Needless to say, it must leave one to wonder; what will the Second Day bring?

...

Either that or what illegal substances the author is using; a popular one among family members and close friends. 

Next chapter


	2. Black Sunday--With Green and Yellow Stri...

Previous Chapter Next chapter

Agent of Chaos

**__**

Chapter II: Black Sunday--With Green and Yellow Stripes

Disclaimer: Don't own Ranma 1/2 or anything having to do with it. You're surprised, right?

Ranma considered himself lucky.

For one thing, it looked like it wasn't going to rain this evening. For Ranma, that always added a little extra plus to an otherwise horrible day. After all, what kind of person can be truly comfortable when they change into the opposite sex? Well, except maybe when he's having ice cream... or sunbathing... or getting free food... or distracting enemies... Ranma made himself stop listing. It led down a dangerous line of thought.

Second, and more importantly, he wasn't dead. 

There had been swearing and cursing, death threats and rages, thrown objects and attacks in full armor with a staff that had a huge, wicked-looking blade on the end. And, after a few hours of watering the lawn, Mr. Tendo joined Nabiki, and had been pretty angry at him, too.

Thankfully, Ranma had lots of training in combating new opponents, and using any means necessary to win. He'd even had to create a special new technique for the occasion; successor to the Crouch of the Leaping Tiger.

Yes, it was the dreaded Anything-Goes School Beg for Mercy Technique. 

So, once Nabiki had been pacified--it took three promised photo shoots, a ten-thousand yen addition to Ranma's a debt, and Kasumi's disapproving "Nabiki..."--they got to work salvaging what they could. Actually, most of the personal effects were present and intact, with the possible exception of Akane's underwear, which Happosai had made off with toward the end of the battle.

Meanwhile, Akane and Ranma filled Mr. Tendo in on what had happened.

"So," the Master of Anything Goes began, frowning at a large stick of TNT he'd just discovered, which Nabiki snatched from his hand, "This Mr. Weird is supposed to show up again tomorrow, then?" 

Ranma nodded glumly, carefully stepping over a large and nasty-looking hermit crab. "That's what he said."

"And he's going to do more things of this kind?"

Ranma sighed. "Yeah, I guess so."

Soun Tendo nodded solemnly, stroking his mustache with a finger. Then he whirled on Ranma and grabbed him by the collar, Demon-Head out and breathing fire.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU ACCEPT HIS OFFER?"

"B-But--I mean, I--" Ranma gibbered.

"Be serious, Daddy," Nabiki cut in, glaring as a scruffy old bum crawled out of the woodwork, took one harried glance around and ran like Jane Fonda was hot on his heels. "More problems for Ranma means more problems for us." She paused, and added in a frigid tone, "As you can see."

Tendo's head deflated to its normal size, and he thought it over. His eyes immediately began to fill with tears.

"Get a hold of yourself, Daddy!" Akane snapped. "Kasumi just got finished mopping up around here!"

Mr. Tendo blinked. "Oh, right. Sorry. Where was I? Oh, yes. Cleaning."

He abruptly let go of Ranma and started shuffling around, picking up bits of broken ceiling beams. Ranma's face hit some of them with a loud 'thwack,' sending dust curling in the air around him.

"No lying down on the job, Saotome," Nabiki said quietly, glaciers forming in the air around her.

Ranma said something that was muffled by a floor board. It was just as well, because it was probably highly unflattering, not to mention inappropriate for non-adult readers. All right, if you really want to know, it sounded something like "Mrrpher irkin' mprfener!" except with more reference to body parts and illustrative expletives.

***

Sunday dawned. Which was a good thing, too, because it would be difficult to describe the scene otherwise, and the author would have to fall back on "It was dark." But, seeing as the sun DID come up, that enables one to more accurately describe the following scene.

Streaks of light drifted and played across the remains of Tendo-ke as the sun surmounted the skyscrapers in the distance, rather like a really bright King Kong--that is, if King Kong were a burning ball of gas millions of miles away. Even so, if anyone had looked on the place where the Tendo Dojo had until recently sat, they would see something quite extraordinary resting on the room's tatami flooring.

Pieces of broken wood, steel supports, water pipes, and one hermit crab were lashed tightly together to form a high wall. Sharpened spikes and nasty, hooked barbs lined the outside, along with several little metal wires that sizzled when anything strayed too close to them. Large, black barrels protruded through the fortifications at regular intervals, shining dully against the glow of about a dozen space blankets, set at just the right angle to reflect a blinding amount of sunlight to the outside. The shallow dirt and grass around it all had been converted into a makeshift minefield full of bear-traps, small explosives, and pop-up pictures of Marilyn Manson. 

Nabiki looked out over it all and nodded, a half-smile curving the corner of her mouth. When all others failed, she always had a plan. With just calling on a few favors, keeping strict control of her "workers," and some decent ingenuity, she had constructed something that was capable of holding off a small army of wackos--which is exactly what they were expecting--at least for a while. That is, if everybody did their job.

Speak of a devil, her Father poked his head over the stockade, his eyes darting beneath an old samurai helmet. "You see anything, Saotome?"

Genma's head sprang up beside his friend's, topped with an old green army helmet with three crescent moons and a big white star. "Nothing yet, Tendo," he murmured gruffly, acting for all the world as if he were a general in a war. "But I can feel something coming in the wind."

Nabiki smirked. Mr. Saotome had been set as Head Watchmen because of his keen survival instincts. Therefore, once Genma whipped out his Saotome Secret Technique--that is, ran away--Nabiki knew they had about two minutes to get ready before something came.

It looked like Daddy knew it, too.

"So, are you at least going to stick around until the midget is in sight, Saotome?"

"Tendo!" Genma gasped, looking hurt. "How could you say such a thing to your oldest friend! I would never run away in your time of need!"

"You did yesterday."

"I resent that, Tendo! I was merely, ah, going for a nice swim. It was hot, you know."

"And I suppose that all this I hear about you running like a coward when the Master appeared was because you were going shopping? Isn't that right, Saotome?"

"Oh, get off your high horse, Tendo! Since when have YOU ever stood up to the Master? Besides by crying on him, I mean?"

"SAOTOME, I'LL--"

"WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP!" Ranma and Akane shouted, bashing their respective parents with respectively blunt objects. The Masters of Anything-Goes sat down suddenly, eyes swirly and hands up in gestures that might be roughly translated as "Begone Thou Source of Pain" or perhaps "Owie!"

"Thank you," Nabiki told them coolly, "but now that that's over, get back to your posts. Mr. Weird could show up at any moment."

At these words, Genma Saotome suddenly shot to his feet. After a frantic look around, he suddenly darted away, easily leaping out over the wall and into the rooftops, not leaving even a trail of smoke behind him.

"I heard my name," Weird thundered from somewhere outside the "fort." "I know I did."

Ranma glared at Nabiki, an awful twitch in his left eye. 

"Okay, so maybe my estimate was a little off..."

"What's all this?" came the little man's big voice from some ways away. He laughed like an elephant choking on a bass guitar. "You think this can stand against MY powers?"

"Do your worst, squirt!" Ranma roared, and chucked a lit piece of dynamite at the diminutive figure in the distance. Mr. Weird snatched it out of the air, looking at it curiously.

"Hey," he boomed, scratching his head, "isn't this--"

*BOOM*

In the center of a new crater on the edge of the "minefield," the midget of midgets gasped smoke into the air, beard almost half gone and his clothes singed in front. His hat had somehow managed to make it through the experience unharmed.

"WHY YOU--" he squeaked, and then visibly got a hold of himself. "That's it! Now let's go to Phase 2!" He began to dance slowly, his feet clicking together and his arms straight down. Then he leaped onto his hands, spun on his head, and did a double back-flip onto his feet again. Nabiki began to lose patience when he started break-dancing.

Finally, he rolled back to his feet, and snapped his fingers twice, so fast it sounded almost like a single snap. There was the same rushing sound that Ranma described that had come before, and an earth-shattering CRACK.

Two groups appeared in front of the "fort." On one side were what Nabiki could only describe as barbarians. Dressed in untanned leather and furs, and hefting huge broadswords and double-bladed battle axes that were obviously magical--judging by the bright rainbow-colored glow they were emitting--they grunted and snarled at each other, comparing the size of their weapons. On the other side were ninjas. The black clothing, face masks, and totally silent movement clued Nabiki in on this. That, and the kanji in blood-red on each man's arm that read "Ninja of the Black Dragon with Green and Yellow Stripes and Big, Nasty Fangs."

"ATTACK!" Mr. Weird bellowed, jumping up and down and waving his arms. Without a pause, the barbarians rushed forward into the minefield, their war cries echoing in the air with a strange pig-like ring to them. The ninjas--showing at least a bit of intelligence--held back and let them go, watching to see what would happen.

Snapping sounds followed by howls of pain came from ahead as the first barbarians discovered the bear traps. One was even thick enough to stand in the middle of one, looking down at it curiously and prodding the center with his sword. 

Let's just say he wasn't going anywhere for a while.

Then, as the burly men struggled past the first line, small explosions and fiery bursts flared up around them. At least three of them began making a strategic retreat, flailing their arms and running around with fire licking at their furs. Nevertheless, most of the stubborn savages continued onward as the ninjas watched with interest, eating popcorn and making a running commentary. 

Nabiki smiled slightly and thumbed a large, obvious red button on a black box. There was a sound like two dozen springs being released at once, and the flapping of poster paper in the wind. A sudden, deafening silence followed; even the sound of all breathing had stopped. Then, in one terrified rush of gasps and screams of absolute horror, the barbarians fled, ignoring the explosions and bear-traps that went off as they ran away.

Nabiki smirked at Ranma. "The Marilyn Manson poster collection," she said quietly. "The best psychological warfare money can buy."

Ranma nodded slowly, and then gasped. He jerked Nabiki and Akane down behind the barricade as dozens of throwing stars whirled through the air, slicing the posters and hitting the wall with a solid-sounding THUNK and the occasional CLANG.

"Fire the cannons!" Nabiki shouted, and her Father nodded briskly. With several lit matches, he sent bowling balls flying through the air into the ranks of the ninjas, who had apparently decided now would be a good time to attack. As the projectiles neared the men in black getups, there was the sound of slicing and whirling. The defenders of Tendo-ke watched the pieces fall to the ground around the unhurt assassins.

"Not bad," Ranma said admiringly, and Nabiki glared at him. "What?" he protested. "It's true!"

"Never mind!" the Ice Queen snapped, turning to her father. "Fire the OTHER ammo, Daddy."

Soun Tendo went a little pale, and nodded shortly. He turned and loaded the cannons quickly as the ninja band stalked forward, carefully avoiding traps. In three short explosions, the new ammo was fired off, and Nabiki smiled as it soared through the air. This was her last secret weapon. It was heavier than the bowling balls, more tube-shaped, was lined on the middle with little explosives and--

*SHRING* *SHRING* *SQUELCH!*

--packed to the brim with Vaseline. 

"EWW!" a ninja in front said disgustedly, trying to wipe the slimy petroleum jelly off his face. Another jerked his sword to clean it off, causing it to slip from his fingers and stab another ninja in the foot. Said ninja hopped around a moment, yowling like an old cat and clutching his toes, until he lost his balance on his remaining slippery shoe, and fell backward with his arms flailing behind him. In one flailing hand, he just happened to be holding a small throwing star, which shot out from between his greasy fingers and right into the man behind him's groin. The no-longer-quite-a-man squeaked something too high-pitched to make out clearly, and toppled slowly to the ground.

The wiser ninjas in the back of the mob ignored their fallen comrades-- except perhaps for the occasional disgusted glance before carefully stepping over them. After two attempts to simply climb the barricade ended in fried, spiky hairdos and second degree burns, they decided it would probably be a better idea to leap over the wall instead.

Nabiki saw her father and Ranma exchange a quick glance, and then they leapt into action, Akane right behind them. Nabiki decided now was a good time to get under cover. She dove under a large basket covered in steel support beams, and watched the three of them get to work.

All things considered, the ninjas weren't half bad. They looked experienced and fairly well disciplined, and had all the proper equipment. Even so, Ranma Saotome was arguably the greatest martial artist in the world, and Daddy wasn't a slouch, either. They had about as much chance of losing as Akane cooking a fine gourmet meal.

Not to mention the fact than any man who would join an organization called "The Ninjas of the Black Dragon with Green and Yellow Stripes and Big, Nasty Fangs" probably wasn't the brightest sort anyway.

A few fast-moving moments later, the last man in black pajamas was snoozing away, right and ready for a police car to pick him up--or an ambulance, depending on how nice Ranma had been feeling.

Judging by the pain-stricken groaning, Ranma was in a bad mood.

"What now, short stuff?" Ranma smirked, folding his arms over his chest.

Who W. Weird regarded Ranma calmly with his mismatched blue and gold eyes, scratching at his frizzy beard with a finger. Then he shrugged. "I guess I have to take care of you myself, then," he roared, and drew out a very, very large mallet.

Before Ranma could stop her--Nabiki guessed his reflexes were still off from the beating he had yesterday--Akane leapt over the wall and to the edge of the minefield, brandishing her own large, blunt weapon. There were three quick wooden-sounding cracks, and then Akane and Weird leapt back away from each other.

"Oh, it's you again. The stupid kid," Mr. Weird rumbled. Akane's scowl deepened considerably. "And I see that your trans-dimensional mallet is as big as mine." He crouched down into a fighting stance. "Let's see how you handle it!"

They charged each other, Akane's angry battle aura flaring around her.

*Crack-a crack-a!* *Snap!* *Whoosh!* *WHAM!* 

Akane cocked her mallet over her shoulder, smirking like Ranma on his best day.

"I see you remembered the twist," a voice warbled from deep inside the ground. Then there was an angry grunt and a curse, and Who W. Weird pulled himself from the earth, amazingly swaying only slightly at he got to his feet.

"That's it!" he thundered, his eyes a little unfocused and a huge knot forming on the top of his head. "You've forced me to use the dance I was saving for a special occasion!"

He began to wobble drunkenly in a circle, gibbering something in a strange language, while juggling three carving knives, a stethoscope, and what looked to be pickled herring. He stopped wobbling suddenly and broke the stethoscope, carved the herring up with the knives, eating only the bones. Then he started throwing the meat everywhere, chanting "Big bad spell! Big bad spell!"

Mr. Weird stopped abruptly and clapped his hands. There was a rushing sound, this time as loud as a roar, and an enormous thunderclap. Then, the residents of Tendo-ke looked slowly at what had appeared. It was big and purple, and had a huge, insane grin plastered on its face.

"Hee hee hee HEE!"

The horror.

"I love you, you love me! We're all one big family!"

Oh, the horror.

"He stays with you forever if you don't agree," Mr. Weird stated with an evil smile. "He's also completely indestructible."

Everyone looked at the thing in terror, and then turned back to the little man.

"HE AGREES! HE AGREES!" Soun, Nabiki and Akane shouted, panic-stricken.

"I AGREE! I AGREE!" Ranma added fervently.

Who W. Weird chuckled, stroking his chin. "I just knew you'd come around."

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	3. Architecture, and Annoying the Gods

Previous Chapter Next chapter

Agent of Chaos

**__**

Chapter III: Architecture, and Annoying the Gods

Disclaimer: I humbly beg your pardon, but these characters and such ain't mine, I'm just stealin' em' fer a bit fer me own purposes. ARR!

Mr. Weird grinned like a pint-sized hyena, and banished the Evil Purple Monster from the Beyond with a wave of his hand. There was a hollow popping sound, and then a rush. Ranma looked back to see that the unconscious remainder of his minions had disappeared.

"Ranma Saotome," Weird stated thunderously, making his way toward the martial artist. "Now that that's done, we must confirm our contract in the traditional way--with a handshake."

Ranma blinked, looked down at his hand, and then down at Weird's outstretched fingers, and blinked again. The little man's fist would have been dwarfed in a newborn's palm.

"Er," Ranma said slowly, "And how exactly are we gonna do that? I mean, er, your hand is, uh, kinda..." He strove to think of the words that wouldn't land him with a mallet-sized headache.

Weird glared at him. "Just shake with your pinky, alright?" he snapped indignantly.

"Okay, okay, jeez!"

Slowly, like he was expecting to get it bitten off, Ranma stretched his hand toward the travel-size Agent of Chaos. Rumbling with impatience, Mr. Weird took it--at least the pinky--and shook it heartily.

A sudden fierce light bloomed around their hands, quickly traveling up around Ranma until it covered his body. He tried to jerk back, but Weird's grip on his little finger was implacable. Instead, he pulled hard on Mr. Weird, trying to shake him off, and Mr. Weird pulled back, glaring and sputtering indignantly.

So, in a brilliant halo of light, began the first Anything-Goes Pinky-Wrestling competition.

And while the competitors shifted and strained and twisted around, the light glowed all the more brilliantly. Suddenly, it shot skyward in a fiery pillar, cutting through the clouds, through the outer atmosphere, and into the heavens beyond.

Of course, the people living in the heavens were none too pleased.

Arulhanana, Goddess of Thunder, Beauty, and Bad Morning People, awoke mid-snore with a snort. She glanced blearily around her bright red and blue bedchamber, squinting to see what was the matter, and making plans to kill it. As her vision cleared, she began to realize how very, ah, effulgent her room had suddenly become. Growling a quite unladylike oath with lightning crackling at her fingertips, she rolled over and shuffled out of bed, a red burn going in her eyes.

She glanced around, and with her Far Seeing Eyes--a pair of really thick spectacles with cheetah motif frames--she quickly spotted the source of the irritating light. Muttering irritably, Arulhanana called upon her powers of lightning, with a curse on it that anyone who got hit with it would wake up grumpy and out-of-sorts every morning for a month. With an annoyed snap of her fingers, she sent the lightning earthward. 

Back on the third planet, Ranma had just about gotten Mr. Weird to submit with a deft triple-twist grappling move, when his danger sense went off like... um, like something big and noisy, usually involving explosives and painful burns. Acting on instinct, Ranma jerked Mr. Weird into the air, and the Agent of Chaos gave a startled yelp.

There was a rush of air and an enormous roar as a straight shaft of lightning shot out of the clear sky, and with stunning accuracy, showered its affection down on the midget. And, in defiance of physics, it arced from the little man's feet to the ground, ignoring Ranma completely. 

For a moment, Ranma was a little offended. After all, he was just as good as everybody else, wasn't he? Didn't he have the right to be electrocuted like your average person? What was so wrong with him?

Ranma paused mid-thought. It had suddenly occurred to him how stupid it was.

Blinking, the martial artist let go of the six-inch man, who hit the ground and continued to sizzle quite delightfully. As soon as their hands released, the glow and the pillar of light faded, leaving only a slight hush in its wake. He glanced around and discovered that everyone was staring at him

"What?" he demanded.

"Ranma," Akane spoke up, "Are you... okay?"

Ranma's eyes narrowed. "Why? What did the tiny punk do?" Not waiting for an answer, he looked down at himself, patting his chest and legs, making sure all the proper body parts were still present. Well, his clothes were a little worse for wear, but other than that... He took a hold of his pigtail and glanced at it. Yup, still black. He whipped out a mirror. Ranma grinned cheekily at himself, turning his head to see his entire face.

"Alright, I give up," he said finally. "What is it?"

Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "You mean besides the fact that you just spent the past ten minutes pinky wrestling a midget in a pillar of light?"

Ranma glared at her, but she only smiled thinly in return. 

"Are you sure you feel alright?" Akane continued. "I mean, don't you feel... strange at all?"

Ranma thought about it. Well, short-stuff must have been doing SOMETHING with all the light show trash. He thought hard, using his senses to look deep within his body and his mind, searching for some difference in his aura. Then Ranma felt something in his mind, and latched onto it. It was as if he felt... as if he felt...

Absolutely nothing.

He was exactly the same as he'd been before.

"Hey, deep-fried!" he demanded, pointing an accusing finger at the little gnome. "What exactly did you do to me?"

"I didn't--" *ZZZRRZT* "--do anything!" he stuttered, still highly charged.

"WHAT?"

"I just thought--" *RRRZTST* "--that it might--" *SIZZLE* "--make it a memorable--" *ZAKAZZZT* *POP!* "--occasion!" he gasped, falling into twitches.

Ranma felt his left eye start to twitch, too. "You--you--"

*WHAM!*

Ranma blinked, glancing up from the mallet and to Akane. "Uh, thanks," he mumbled.

Akane smiled. "No problem."

"Oh, that's the stuff," Mr. Weird said suddenly, and they glanced down at him. The little man had gotten to his feet, stretching and popping his back.

"Thanks, stupid girl," he blared, dusting off his clothes. "That was just what I needed to snap me out of that."

Ranma glanced briefly at Akane, who was looking furious with herself.

"Now that that's taken care of," Who W. Weird announced, straightening to his full height of six inches, "I'll just fix your little house here. It looks to be a bit of a mess."

Akane gaped, but Ranma snapped "A mess that YOU caused, ya'--"

"Why would you fix it for us?" Nabiki cut in, her eyes narrowed. "What's in it for you?

"Why, my dear lady," Weird answered, ignoring Ranma, "Why completely destroy a place that is such a wonderful nexus of chaos as this is?"

Nabiki considered it a moment with a flat expression. "Point taken."

"This means... we don't have to repair it ourselves?" Mr. Tendo asked, already near tears.

Akane sighed. "Yes, daddy. We don't have to fix it--I hope." She glanced at Weird, who looked offended at her lack of trust.

"I'm offended at your lack of trust," he said levelly, then stuck his nose in the air and sniffed.

Soun had already decided it was worth celebrating, though. "Oh, wait until Kasumi comes home from shopping," he wept, looking skyward. "Won't she be thrilled?"

"Not to mention that Mom comes home from her trip visiting a friend tomorrow," Ranma told Akane out of the corner of his mouth. She looked at him, wide-eyed.

"I'd almost forgotten," she said slowly

"Alright, then!" Mr. Weird roared, pounding his chest with a tiny, hollow 'thump.' "Let's get this done!"

He whistled shrilly a moment, and then snapped his fingers. Music started to play as he strutted to one side, his hat disappearing and an old straw one with a red band appearing in his hand. He snatched at a cane that flew out of thin air, put the new hat on his head, and started tap-dancing. Spinning the cane in one hand, he pointed toward the remains of Tendo-ke, never losing step with the music.

Slowly at first, and then even more slowly, the buildings began to re-assemble themselves. Then, as if they thought they'd left enough time for dramatic pause, they shot together again with Amaguriken-like speed, the broken boards and piping fitting together seamlessly. After a few more moments, it was done.

Ranma gaped at it. 

Sure enough, all the buildings and grounds were back together. The koi were back in the pond, the yard was clean and swept, the wood of the building looked solid and well cared-for, and there even seemed to be something cooking in the kitchen. It was amazing; incredible. In fact, Ranma would have called it downright, ah, really good if it weren't for that fact that, well...

"It's upside down," Nabiki observed, chunks of ice floating in the air around her. 

And indeed, where the roof had once stood, the foundation stuck up into the air like a precariously balanced launch pad. The doors were all up high with knobs on the wrong side, and the windows were all close to the ground. There was a sudden startled squawk as a bird attempted to land on the top and was electrocuted by the wiring that was hanging in the air.

"Yes, well," Mr. Weird hedged in his deep bass, looking oddly nervous, "I thought it'd be a nice change, don't you know? I mean, didn't the other way get so boring? What is with the interest in rightside-up around these parts?"

If looks could kill, Nabiki's would have slowly flayed the little man, starting by delicately cutting away his red boots and sautéing them in olive oil, and ending with storing his head inside a pickle jar full of hydrochloric acid.

Weird laughed, his voice slightly higher than usual. "Alright, then, if you're going to be that way about it... just a joke, after all..." He make a sharp gesture with his cane, and with an abrupt sort of jerk, Tendo-ke leapt into the air, did a gigantic mid-air somersault, and settled back to the ground in its proper position with something that sounded like an enormous grunt.

Mr. Weird made a similar-sounding noise, and the hat and cane faded away. Sighing, he put on his old hat, and wiped his sweaty forehead with the back of his hand. 

"Well, it's been swell," he boomed, turning to look around at everyone, "But I'm afraid it is time for me to go. But," he grinned toothily at Ranma, "I shall see you all tomorrow, when we'll get things started." His grin took a nasty turn. "Have a nice evening. Sleep well. Things will be... different in the morning."

He paused, thinking about what he had said. Then he burst into laughter, pointing and snickering at the group of them with an outstretched finger. With a final "Ha HAH!" he vanished in a puff of acrylic pink smoke.

There was a bare moment when everyone stared, blinking stupidly, at the place where the little man had been. Then there was the sound of footsteps, echoing hollowly as they drew closer. Everyone tensed until Kasumi came into view, a small shopping bag swaying in her hand, and somebody trailing along behind her made unidentifiable by the sheer number of groceries they were carrying. 

Ranma felt a familiar tingle on the back of his neck, and one glance at the person's shoes confirmed it.

"Hello everyone!" Kasumi was saying, "Oh! I see you got things worked out after all. I guess I didn't need to get quite so many groceries. There are an awful lot of them, you see, but just when I decided I needed help, I bumped into--"

"Ryoga," Ranma finished, grabbing just enough of the bags to uncover the Lost Boy's face. "What I don't understand is, how did he manage to follow you all the way here?"

Ryoga glared at him, and started to say something, but Ranma stuffed the bags he had taken back into place, cutting fang-teeth's cursing down to a mumble.

"A good question," Nabiki mused, looked at the now-swaying King of Bad Senses of Direction. "Maybe it was the fact he couldn't see."

Kasumi shrugged an smiled. "This way, Ryoga-kun." Ryoga trundled after her, incredibly able to follow her exactly.

"Wow," Ranma said, slightly awed. "Things around here just keep getting weirder and weirder..." He and Akane looked at each other, shrugged, and went inside. There really wasn't much else to do.

***

On Monday, as luck would have it, the sun came up in its usual fashion. You know, all bright yellows and oranges, with little flares of white that are just SO fabulous! And those golden rays stretching from the horizon and over the landscape are just to DIE for!

...

Don't ask. The answer would scare you.

Nevertheless, on this FABULOUS sunny morning, Ranma awoke to an unusually... fresh smell in the air. Almost like he was out on a training trip, or something...

He sat up suddenly, looking around. No, he was still back in the room he shared with Pop, the light of day sprinkling like so much tinsel over his futon. Which was rather odd, since he didn't remember having any windows in his room.

Ranma thought about that a moment, but it made his head hurt, so he decided to forget it. Instead, on a whim, he decided to get up and have a look around. Careful to let sleeping pandas lie, he snuck stealthily out of the little room and slid the door slowly closed behind him. After wandering the house aimlessly for a few minutes, contemplating his life, the universe, and the fifth floorboard on the right that creaked loudly when he walked by, he suddenly found himself staring at the front door.

Well, he thought, it seems like a pretty nice day to go out and look around a bit. That air comin in smells GOOD.

Slowly, Ranma pushed the door open, and then stared blankly out at what he saw.

Glittering like so many blue gems, a thousand sparkling pools stretch out in front of him. Thousands more stiff bamboo poles stuck into the air like the spines of an enormous porcupine, some leaning and broken and others still stiff and new. In the distance, Ranma could make out a little cabin set against a hill with a slow plume of smoke rising from the chimney. The sky was an emerald blue.

Eyes glazing dangerously, Ranma casually slid the door shut again.

What a nice day to stay inside.

It took him three tries, but Ranma finally got his legs to move properly, and started to make his way back to his waiting futon, passing Kasumi in the hallway.

"Oh! You're up early today, Ranma-kun! Is everything alright?"

"Fine," Ranma said vaguely, waving his hand dismissively with his expression blank. "Just slowly going totally insane. Nothin ta' worry about." 

Kasumi blinked. "Oh, my..."

Ranma grinned as if to prove his claim, and walked unsteadily back into his room. He slid the door closed, stumbled back to his futon, and lay down. Abruptly, he snatched his father's pillow and pressed it hard against his face, shouting unfriendly things about short people and banging his fist on the floor.

Another eventful day was brewing in the life of Ranma Saotome. And Who W. Weird had made sure to add lots of ammo and explosives to the mix.

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	4. When Chaos Sneezes

Previous Chapter Next chapter 

Agent of Chaos 

**__**

Chapter IV: When Chaos Sneezes

Disclaimer: I do not own Ranma 1/2, or any of many things ASSOCIATED. Never will, either. Drat.

Nodoka Saotome frowned.

In her short time staying at the Tendo residence, she had come to understand certain truths. Cold and hot water were always available; demons, evil spirits, and powerful martial artists/finacees made regular and destructive visits; and there was always magic of one sort or another flying around. In fact, she'd come to think of all that as proof of how manly Ranma truly was. After all, why else would all these things come to challenge/curse/kill/marry him?

Still, Nodoka thought a migrating Tendo-ke was a LITTLE over the top.

And indeed, where the beautiful home of Soun and his daughters--plus current free-loaders--had once stood was nothing but a huge vacant lot. It looked as if the whole property had gotten restless last night, and had snuck off to play hooky, taking its occupants with it. It hadn't even had the courtesy to leave a note!

Nodoka sighed and shook her head. "I might as well find a hotel," she said with resignation. "Honestly, I hope they get things straightened out soon. This mobile household business may just start to annoy me."

Tisking in a vexed way, she made her way across the street, trying to remember a good place to stay.

***

Tension was running high in the Tendo house.

Nabiki had always prized herself for being able to read people. The shift of eyes and posture, the slight changes in expression, and the amount of sweat on a person's face were all important clues to her in her business dealings. They helped her know exactly how hard to push, how long to hold out on a deal, and when to be absolutely merciless, or particularly careful.

But how to tell with these seasoned, trained martial artists?

Well, the bright red glows were good clues.

"WHERE IS HE?" Soun Tendo roared. "I WILL KILL HIM!"

Her father also had the addition of a huge head with fangs and a long, serpent-like tongue.

"Saotome! You'll help me kill him this time, won't you?"

"Yes, Tendo. This time he's gone too far!"

Akane was flinching at small noises, her mallet flickering in and out of existence, and Ranma kept cracking his knuckles, his left eye twitching like it had a really bad case of the hiccups. "When I get my hands on Mr. Weird..."

The front door suddenly banged open, and the man of the hour stepped in. Mr. Weird wasn't quite his usual cheery self. His clothes were a little rumpled, his beard seemed to have a large carp tangled in it, and there were dark circles around his eyes. He looked up sourly to meet the five sets of Evil Demon Eyes glaring down at him--and Kasumi, who could only manage a faintly disapproving frown.

"What's your problem?" he snapped thunderously, scratching his belly with one hand. "Do you have any idea how bad a morning I've had?"

Nabiki's glare intensified. How bad a morning HE'S had? She nearly stepped out into the Pools!

"First," Mr. Weird was saying, counting off fingers in the air, "My neighbor blew up his pet wombat in my front yard, scattering bits of it everywhere. After that, that darn hat salesmen nearly killed me with a hat that sucks brains--new model, he said, a favorite of all the blondes. Then, my socks revolted AGAIN, and I had to wash my feet with glass before they were pacified, and finally, my teleporting toaster burnt three cheeseburgers before it got my mail delivered properly!"

Nabiki paused a bit to puzzle it out, but gave up when she saw Mr. Saotome, in an amazing display of backbone, leap forward and put his bulbous nose bare millimeters from Mr. Weird's face.

"So you're the one who's done all this," he snarled, grabbing the little man and hoisting him into the air. "You're going to fix it. Right now. Do you HEAR ME, shrimp?"

Mr. Weird wrinkled his nose and leaned away, and then quickly snatched the Master of Anything-Goes' handkerchief right off his head. Genma squealed like a school girl and drew back, covering his head like he was naked. Mr. Weird landed back on the ground, a nasty grin plastered on his tiny features.

"Well," he thundered, sounding decidedly more cheerful, "consider this your punishment." He began to moonwalk, his arms jerking out at odd angled and his feet clicking together every few seconds. He pointed a finger at Genma, and then at Ranma. "And what the father must bear, the son must also."

Ranma had only a moment to gasp, "WHAT? I didn't--I mean, I ain't--"

There was a hollow 'pop' and whirl, and the Saotomes disappeared. And it didn't take long to find out where to.

"AAAAAAAAHHHH!"

"EEEEEEEEEEEE!"

*SPLASH!* *SPLASH!*

Everyone rushed to the shoji doors and slid them open to stare out at the scene.

"Ooo, you fall in Springs of Drowned Seal and Loud Fisherman's Wife, too too tragic story of circus seal that drown fifty year ago because he forgot how swim, and not so tragic story of noisy woman I drown last week."

"Arf?"

"OOOOLD MAAAAANNN!!"

A nasty-looking woman with a fishing net in her hair leapt after a black seal and kicked it solidly in the face, but slipped off the animal's wet slimy skin.

"ARF!"

"AAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

*SPLASH!* *SPLASH!*

"OH! Now you fall in Springs of Drowned Monkey and Wolf, too too--

"Who who EEE EEE EEE!

*Snarl* "AROOOOOO!"

*SPLASH!* *SPLASH!*

"Springs of Drowned Wombat and Vacuum-Cleaner Salesman!"

Everyone collectively drew back as a man in a brown tweed suit and top-hat with polished dress shoes smoothly opened a long suitcase, and put on his most winning smile. Nabiki felt the blood drain from her face.

"You see," he said, gesturing to the contents of the suitcase, "these solid steel configurations are guaranteed for a life time! Free refund on any broken parts! And also, with this new model, the 3300 series, you have the tight-corner swivel nosel, sure to clean even the toughest of spots! Not only that, but--"

All other words were lost in everyone's terrified screaming--except for the Guide, who looked to be having the time of his life--and Nabiki was barely able to catch Kasumi as she fainted dead away. The wombat outside gave a desperate-sounding grunt, and latched onto the man in tweed, hurling them both backward.

*SPLASH!* *SPLASH!*

"Springs of Drowned Tortoise and Decrepit Old Man!"

What followed was what Nabiki could only describe as the slowest chase she'd ever seen. The turtle inched forward, slowly and carefully setting each flipper in the mud and dragging itself gradually forward. The old man was in as hot a pursuit as he could manage, leaning heavily on a knobby cane and warbling things like "Get back here, I tell ya! Come on! I fix ya fer sure, I will! Why, in my day..."

Nabiki's eyes began to glaze, and she heard Akane start to snore softly beside her. After twenty more minutes of almost no movement, the old man was finally able to catch up, tripping over the tortoise and managing to get both of them properly thrown into a pair of springs.

"Drowned Panda and Girl!"

Ranma-chan was already starting to charge again when a sign came up. 

[WAIT! WAIT!]

Ranma-chan glanced quickly down at herself, and then desperately tried to stop her momentum, her arms wind-milling. She was barely able to settle back on a small piece of dirt and grass. 

There was a solid-sounding silence as everyone looked at Mr. Weird. It was the same kind of silence you could get if you accused Lina Inverse of being manly, or announced to a room full of Saiyans that you've just eaten their lunch. Mr. Weird shattered it horribly as he clapped and cheered, whistling and banging his feet on the floor. "Come on! I want more! This was just getting good! Keep at it! Come on..."

***

Ona-Ranma sighed and leaned back, gazing at the ceiling of the Tendo living room.

"Man," she muttered exhaustedly, "I never thought I'd be so glad to be in my cursed form."

Pops growfed his agreement, carefully laying down a cockroach with a soft click. Mr. Tendo frowned down at the board, absently holding a lively one in place with a chopstick.

"Hmm... good move, Saotome..." He glance up suddenly as a loud sob and a crash came from the other room, and Genma wasted no time in moving the game pieces around--an impressive feat, considering they kept trying to scurry away.

"What is he DOING in there?" Tendo snapped.

Nabiki snorted. "He's still watching soap operas and eating beans, hissing at anyone who gets too close to the remote."

Soun Tendo's expression darkened, and then turned downright purple when it came back to the game board. "Hey, wait just a second, Saotome! I thought--I could swear--"

The panda grinned wolfishly. [Yes?] *flip* [Something the matter, Tendo?]

"Oh... no, nothing. Your turn."

"You know," Ranma said suddenly, scratching her head, "All of a sudden, I got this feeling that I've forgotten something."

Akane frowned. "You know, I have the same feeling. What do you suppose it could be?"

Ranma's eyebrows furrowed in thought. Then she shrugged. 

"Probably nothin'," she and Akane said together.

Right on cue, there was the sound of the front door opening, and a low growl. "Wait a second," an all-to-familiar voice said, "Where on earth am I now?"

There was a startled yelp, followed by a loud splash. Then the Guide's cheerful voice broke in. 

"Oh, sir! You fall in Spring of Drowned Professional Wrestler! Too too tragic story of very burly bad actor who pose too long in front of springs!"

"Ranma Saotome--yer goin' down, an' goin' down HARD!"

Ranma and Akane looked at each other, and then bolted to the door. What they saw was a huge, beefy man with the famous yellow and black bandana. Huge veins stuck out all over around his now-tight clothing, and Ryoga bared off-center, gold-studded teeth at them. Flexing his pecks, the Lost Wrestler pointed at Ranma dramatically.

"YOU!" Ryoga roared, his nostrils flaring and the number of gold teeth showing increasing. "I'm gonna make you wish you'd never been BORN! I'm gonna kick your girly butt so hard, yer MOMMA ain't gonna be able to sit for a week!"

Somewhere, in a hotel in Tokyo, Nodoka Saotome sneezed. She glanced around suspiciously, fingering her katana.

"Why am I gonna do this?" Ryoga continued, a slow froth gathering in the corner of his mouth. "Because I hate you! Because yer the worst yellow, ugly, stupid, back-stabbing punk that was ever born! And because I am Ryoga Hibiki! I... am MAAAAN CRUSHER!"

Fireworks began to shoot off and smoke filled the air as Man Crusher's theme music began to play, a weird cross between classic Japanese and hard rock. After a few minutes, the display died down, and Ryoga began to rant again. He compared Ranma to everything from a scrawny chicken to a school girl to a dromedary with diarrhea. He went on to lay out in rich, single-syllable-word detail on how EXACTLY he was going to mangle the pigtailed martial artist over the progression of about six hours or so.

During the Lost Wrestler's raving, Ranma had time to get some hot water, wash his hair, brush his teeth, eat lunch, play cards with Akane--and lose, of course--and help Kasumi completely reorganize the kitchen. Nabiki, however, seemed intent on filming the whole thing, but the reason totally escaped Ranma.

Finally, as Ranma wandered back to the door to see what Ryoga was up to, the martial-artist-gone-pro-wrestler finally finished his extended speech, ending with, "And now it's time to pay, Saotome! Face the wrath of..." dramatic pause, "MAAAAN CRUSHER!"

The theme music started to play again as Ryoga leapt forward, attacking Ranma head on. They both leapt up to the roof and commenced the Anything-Goes Pro Wrestling match.

After only a few moments of fighting, Ranma quickly realized that not ALL of the Lost Boy's skill had flown out the window, and he still attacked with heavy reliance on his strength and endurance. The only major difference was where as the normal Ryoga would fight honorably to the letter, Man Crusher did all the dirtiest tricks he could think of, always taking every opportunity to get in a cheap shot, or kick Ranma when he was down.

But Ranma was still more a master of that type of fighting. After all, you didn't fight somebody like Genma Saotome every morning for more than ten years without knowing everything there is to know about how to fight people who fight dirty. 

Besides, the Lost Wrestler kept posing and shouting his name every time he scored a hit, allowing Ranma to neatly turn him inside-out when he wasn't paying good enough attention. In addition to that, Ryoga was now far too cocky to get depressed enough for the Shi Shi Hokodan. When he tried it, all he got was a small puff of smoke, which he stared stupidly down at for a moment before Ranma's feet distracted his attention by planting themselves quite firmly into his face.

Ranma smirked. It looked like Ryoga was too stupid in that form to remember to use his cockiness instead of depression.

"MOKOU TAKABISHA!"

"Then again..." he mumbled as he flew backward.

The match seemed like it could go on a while until Ryoga tried to do a weird sort of body-slam where he sat on Ranma, and the martial artist finally lost his temper.

"Bai bai, pig-boy!" he snarled. "HIRUU SHOTEN HA!"

The tornado whipped up around them, and Ranma was barely able to keep his anger in check enough to not get sucked in himself. The twister raged out across the Pools of Sorrow, carrying Ryoga Hibiki, a.k.a. the Man Crusher, off into the distance.

"NOW who's boss, huh, pig-boy?" Ranma shouted, waving a fist at his departing adversary. "Who's the man? ME! I am!" 

He paused and blinked. 

"What am I SAYING? I spent WAY too much time listening to that moron's speech..."

Ranma settled back, panting heavily as the rocks he'd stirred up with his Hiruu Shoten Ha fell back to the ground. As an afterthought, a large roof tile smacked the pigtailed boy in the back of the head. He fell forward, eyes swirly.

"How could things possibly get worse?" he moaned.

Lightning and thunder followed the statement, which, as Ranma looked back on it later, was a Very Bad Sign.

***

"You shouldn't have been so mean to him, Ranma," Akane said sternly.

"MEAN?" Ranma exploded. "What do you mean, mean? I tried forever to just get him to go away!"

Akane sighed. "I know! It's just that... wasn't that a little excessive?"

"Hey, what would YOU do if something that big and ugly tried to sit on you?"

"...Okay, good point."

"Well, well, well," Mr. Weird said suddenly beside them, causing them both to leap up and clutch the wall. "I see that both of you are together. Good. That makes it so I can start adding to your problems."

"And just what exactly have you been doing before now?" Akane snapped, glaring at the gnomic personage. Ranma could see she liked him just about as much as she liked dead flies in her soup, or perhaps going on a date with Kuno.

"Why, that was just the warm-up, stupid girl," Weird chuckled. Then he pointed a finger at her. "This will be just the beginning, too."

Ranma and Akane watched in horrified fascination as the little man began to wiggle around, making strange growling sounds, his finger never moving from where it was pointed.

Finally, he stopped and snapped his fingers, accompanied by the familiar rush. Ranma tensed and darted his eyes, once more expecting a Scaly Green Monster, or perhaps a door-to-door insurance salesman. He cringed at the thought.

After a couple moments, though, it seemed that nothing had happened. Again. But Ranma was the type that learned from his mistakes, so he waited. Still nothing came.

"All right, I give up," he said finally, "What--"

"R-Ranma!" Akane whispered urgently, and he felt something hard tug on his arm, and there was a loud clink. Ranma swallowed. His eyes wide and wary, Ranma slowly glanced down at his arm, and then felt his jaw go slack.

Ranma Saotome was now attached by the wrist to Akane Tendo by a huge, manacled chain. Ranma growled something not fit to be repeated in public.

"All right, what NOW, you half-pint gnome?" he snapped at the Mr. Weird. He and Akane leaned forward to tower menacingly over the little man, arms outstretched and intent on strangling him with the chair.

But short-stuff leapt nimbly backward, a very nasty smile blooming on his features. "There's only one way to get that off, you know," he snickered. "You have to do something."

"What?" Akane demanded.

The little man laughed. "You have to kiss."

There was pause.

"Passionately," Mr. Weird added. 

Ranma and Akane gasped, and then looked at each other. A dozen conflicting emotions played hopscotch in Ranma's tired and very put-upon brain, but eventually, embarrassment did a complicated triple skip and took over.

As Ranma's face practically burst with the pressure of the blood rushing to it, he noticed absently that Akane's reaction was just a LITTLE bit different.

She pointed a mallet that filled the room at Who W. Weird, and smashed him with such force the entire building shook. Wall paintings and furnishings shifted in their places, and there were startled shouts all around.

When things finally settled down, Akane looked back at him, her eyes wide. With startling abruptness, she fainted and fell forward onto Ranma, her head landing in his lap.

At this point, the martial artist's wearied gray matter threw up its hands in despair and ordered a full system shut-down. I can't work with the massive sensory overload I've been getting, it complained, and it's time for my vacation. 

Ranma couldn't agree more.

He slumped back, eyes rolling in his head, bound and determined to not wake up for as long as he possibly could.

Gee, oblivion sure is nice in times like these.

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	5. Of Portable Holes and Cheese-Whiz

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Agent of Chaos

**__**

Chapter V: Of Portable Holes and Cheese-Whiz 

Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 is not mine, nor is anything having to do with it. But though I'm borrowing all these characters, the INSANITY is all mine. ALL MINE! ALL MINE!

A loud, resounding CLANG echoed through the Tendo residence, like something heavy and sharp was being repeatedly driven into steel. Over and over and over the shrill tone rang out, shifting pottery and furniture in their places.

"Well, Tendo," Genma Saotome grinned, pushing a large piece of tropical fruit Jell-O across the game board, "It looks like things may not turn out so bad after all."

Soun Tendo nodded, his hand hovering over a large cupcake, gritting his teeth while the sound of a saw scraping metal filled the air. "Indeed, Saotome," he said when the screeching had subsided, moving the cupcake, "This whole business could very well be to our advantage."

There was a WHIR WHIR as what sounded like an electric drill dug against something hard, followed by a loud snap and somebody cursing.

"Hmm... good move, Tendo." Genma frowned at the game board a moment, then grabbed a handful of little licorice pills and dumped them on the cupcake. "Yes, I think if we play our cards right, we could finally get the retirement we deserve!"

A long, keening SHHHING cut through the air as a large and expensive table saw dulled itself on an uncompromisingly hard surface.

"Yes, Saotome!" Tendo said, tearing up enough so that his friend had to cover the food on the game board, "We may finally get Ranma and Akane together!"

At this statement, the entire house began to shake violently as the sounds of a large and murderous-looking jack-hammer filled the room. Kasumi gasped, and nearly dropped the plate she'd been drying, and Nabiki flicked an annoyed glance toward the dojo. The "pieces" on the game board nearly came sliding off, but Genma, in a moment of quick thinking, ate them all before they hit they ground.

"What is this--" swear word, body part, expletive, geographical reference, "--stuff made of?" a voice shouted from the dojo. "We've tried almost everything! Why did that--" oath, unflattering description, darned-bloody-bad word, "--midget do this to us?" 

Kasumi stiffened. "Akane!" she called disapprovingly. "Such language!"

There was a pause.

"Sorry, Kasumi," Akane replied contritely. 

After a moment, she and Ranma entered the room and sat down on the floor--together, of course. Genma watched them from the corner of his eye, free to grin madly with his back turned. And, he noticed with an evil chuckle, they hadn't even managed to scratch that chain.

"I just don't get it," Ranma was saying, looking like he couldn't decide to be uncomfortable, angry, or scared out of his wits. "All that, plus HOURS of pulling on it, and it just looks stronger!"

"What else is there that we haven't tried?" Akane demanded, a slight desperate edge to her voice. "What?"

Ranma's eyes narrowed. "I say we go right to the root of the problem. The midget himself!"

Akane's eyes widened, and they both stood--because, after all, it was together or not at all--and looked at each other. "Of course!" Akane grinned, a disturbing light flickering in her eyes, "Brilliant, Ranma!" 

Without thinking about it, she hugged him, and then pulled back without realizing she had even done it. Genma almost laughed out loud at the totally-devoid-of-thought look in Ranma's eyes.

"Come on, Ranma! Let's teach him a lesson he'll never forget!"

"Lesson," Ranma said, nodding vaguely with his eyes unfocused. "Never forget." There was a pause while Ranma looked off into the distance, contemplating the mysteries of the universe.

Losing what miniscule patience she had, Akane grabbed hold of Ranma's pigtail and dragged him out of the room. "Come ON, baka! Let's get him!"

"Okay, okay! Just--OW!--let go! I'm coming!"

With that, the two fiancees marched out of the room, looking to pound a certain midget. Genma chuckled even more evilly and silently wished them lots of luck--all of it bad.

***

There were lots of advantages to being a six-inch man, as Who W. Weird would tell anyone that would listen.

For one thing, it was really easy to sneak around; no floor boards would creak under his fearsome weight of about 5 1/2 ounces, and he could hide in nooks a dormouse would turn its nose up at. For another, there was always room enough for him to get a good seat at the theater, no matter how packed it was. And, most importantly of all, he could survive off a single can of cheese-whiz for months on end without trouble.

Yes, there were lots of advantages to being his height.

An imposing presence just wasn't one of them.

"Um... " he rumbled, his eyes darting, "Is there something I can do for you two love birds?"

Ranma Saotome and Akane Tendo glared down at him, the Fires of Hades burning so clearly in their eyes, Mr. Weird could almost swear he saw little horned men with pitchforks and other highly unpleasant-looking implements.

"Okay, you deranged son of a dwarfed mushroom patch," Akane said levelly, snatching Weird up and putting a strangle hold on his neck with her thump and forefinger, "you're going to get this thing off, and get it off NOW!"

Twisting deftly, the little man squirmed out of the girl's grip and dropped to the ground. "You'll never catch me!" he roared, and took off scurrying across the room. There was a reddish blur and a rush of air, and Who W. Weird suddenly found himself right where he had started.

"I think she just told you to do somethin'," Ranma said flatly, unaware that he had just used the chained hand to grab the little man, which in turn had jerked Akane sideways and nearly clocked her with the chain. "Get. This. Thing. Off. NOW!"

Akane hit him with her manacle. "Be careful, baka! I'm still attached to this end, you know!"

Ranma gritted his teeth as a painful-looking bump swelled on the back of his head, but kept his attention focused on Weird.

"Well?" the martial artist demanded.

Weird thought about it, opened his mouth to respond--and then bit down on Ranma's finger as hard as he could.

Ranma's hand shot away like a bullet on steroids, the man himself swearing up something awful. And of course, as a result, Akane was brought around abruptly, slamming into her fiance, and making him stumble dangerously. Then Mr. Weird took the opportunity to help them along their way with a well-placed mallet blow, sending them both flying backward through the little hall and into the living room. Akane landed with a startled grunt on a small cushion, and Ranma had the infinitely more familiar position of being imbedded head-first into a wall.

"Now, I'd better be going," Weird announced thunderously with a tip of his hat, "But you can be sure that I'll be seeing you tomorrow!" He laughed menacingly at that, then drew something out of his pocket. It looked like a large sheet of black construction paper cut into a circle. However, when Weird placed it on the floor, it seemed to mold itself to the ground, like it had been there all along. 

With a nasty grin and a wave, Weird jumped right into the paper and sank in like there was a huge chasm beneath.

Akane boggled a bit at the place where he had gone, and then Ranma managed to extract himself from the wall.

"Anything happen while I was out?" Ranma sighed, sitting next her.

Akane gave him a glazed look. "Weird man go down the hole," she told him in a little-girl voice.

Ranma blinked. "What?"

"Nothing--nothing at all. Forget I mentioned anything."

"Okay..."

***

Tuesday dawned as the large glowing yellow/white/red thingy we usually call the sun rose into the sky, marking the beginning of the new day. Then gunfire rattled out in the morning air as streaks of flame shot across the skyline, and explosions of anti-matter smart bombs were scattered seemingly at random into the devastated buildings, wreaking havoc and mayhem--

"What a peaceful morning," Kasumi sighed, looking out at the sunshine.

--somewhere else.

Nevertheless, Ranma awoke suddenly from the futon he had been snoring in beside Akane's bed, his danger sense flaring up like a heifer with really bad gas that had strayed too close to the campfire. He leapt to his feet and spun around--which in turn earned him a "Ranma no baka!" and a solid THWACK with the chain. The lump on his head increased in size, but he had to concentrate. It felt like the danger was everywhere! All around them! Staggering only slightly, he dragged Akane to the window to look outside.

"What IS IT, Ranma?" Akane snapped. "I was fast... oh..."

Akane was speechless. Ranma, however, had plenty of things to say, though most of them were quite unacceptable to virgin ears, and had a lot to do with gruesome and painful things to do to short people, strangling them with their own combat boots being the nicest thing of all those listed.

For outside was another truly wonderful sight--if you're psychotic. No, it wasn't the war zone scene in the transition paragraph; wouldn't be right to go that far out of genre, yet. Can you guess it? Well, we'll give you a hint.

Can you say "Gladiator?"

No, no, no. Not "elevator." GLADIAtor.

Excellent. Knew you had it in you.

All around the misplaced Tendo-ke, a wide clearing of beaten dirt swirled within a high stone wall. Right above the wall, the stare-step stands of the Coliseum rose majestically into the air, packed with milling and apparently confused Romans--after all, an entire Japanese-style household appearing in the middle of a gladiator battle just wasn't done, especially when it flattened the gladiators--and one man dressed in a funny towel and gold leaves was shouting things at guards.

Ranma's left eye quivered like a squirrel on speed, and he cut off mid tirade to drag Akane inside the house. He had to plan. And it had better be good.

Ah, but be wary, reader, in assuming that this would be an easy battle for Ranma to fight. Because, you see, this is an ANIME Rome, which entitles warriors with battle axes twice their own size and nasty-looking tentacled pets and third eyes and all manner of things one might not normally see in the Coliseum. 

You have been warned.

Nabiki glanced up as Ranma and Akane dashed into the room, clothes rumpled from sleeping in them and set looks to their faces. They came to a halt in the middle of the room, and Nabiki gave them a waiting look.

"Uh... Nabiki?" Ranma began.

"You wouldn't happen to know Latin, would you?" Akane asked. 

Nabiki blinked. "What?"

They looked nervously at each other.

"Alright, what is it?" Nabiki sighed.

***

"Okay, here's the plan," Nabiki said crisply as she came to her feet, rapping her fingers sharply on the table. "First, we send Ranma out to fight them off." She sat back down, and took a sip of tea.

Everyone nodded, waiting for more. There was a pause.

"And?" Akane prompted.

Nabiki looked at her coolly. "What do you mean, 'and'? That was it."

"WHAT?" Ranma and Akane burst out, but the Masters of Anything-Goes were already nodding.

"Yes, Ranma," Genma was saying, looking sternly at his son. "It is the duty of a martial artist to get rid of the attackers."

"What about YOU? You're supposed to be a martial artist too, you flea-bitten fat old excuse for a--"

"Ranma!" Soun cut in, glaring at his future son-in-law with fierce concentration. "It is you who must protect this household!"

"What about you? It ain't even my house! How do I get stuck with--"

"Ranma!" Genma snapped. "Would you abandon your duty? What of your honor, boy?"

"Ranma Saotome, you're to protect your fiancee!" Tendo roared. "Think of Akane! You should be fighting for her!"

"Yeah, I know, but--"

"Daddy, wait, I can--"

"Out you go!" Genma and Soun shouted together, and then rushed Ranma and Akane to the door, shoving them quickly outside and snapping the door shut behind them. The two fiancees look out at the stadium in shock, their eyes darting as huge, burly men with blood-matted faces and exceptionally long nose-hair lurched toward them.

"More tea, Saotome?" came Soun's voice from inside.

"Certainly, Tendo. And pass the pockey, will you?"

"My pleasure, Saotome."

"When we get out of this--" Ranma said angrily, cracking his knuckles.

"They are SO DEAD!" Akane snarled.

Ranma blinked and turned to stare at her. She blushed a moment, and then glared at him.

"What?"

"Nothin'... I didn't say anything."

She snorted. "Good. Here they come, anyway."

With a wild shout, a man with huge biceps and exceptionally bad BO charged them, a long broadsword poised to strike. Ranma and Akane shifted into fighting stances, and amazingly darted to the same side. The sword missed by a mile, but the smell nearly knocked them off their feet. Covering his nose, Ranma dealt the gladiator a sharp chop to the side of the neck, instantly sending him on to dreams of his family back home, and their business of pickling cucumbers with self-made vinegar.

It looked like it was going to be a long day already.

***

Exhausted and weary, but still determined, Ranma and Akane trudged back toward Tendo-ke. The ground was littered with the groaning forms of smelly men in rusty armor, and the still twitching bodies of centurions who were looking like they wouldn't be back on duty any time soon. The Coliseum was now empty, but twenty minutes ago, it had been filled with cheering, foam-mouthed people who watched the intrepid duo systematically defeat every single gladiator, armsman, wild animal, part-time guard, stray mouse, his cheese, and anything else that put up a fight. The entire army stationed around Rome was now resting quite peacefully after their sudden and humiliating defeat.

Slowly, in a combined effort, the fiancees pushed open the front door and stumbled in. Their parents glanced up from their lunch in suprise, looking over their fatigued faces and decimated clothing.

"Well, what took you so long, boy?" Genma said, shaking his head. "We were expecting you at least an hour ago. You must be getting sloppy."

"I'll... KILL... you... " Ranma gasped, but tripped over a small grain of rice that had been spilled onto the floor. He pitched forward onto his face, and Akane didn't even resist falling on top of him, her eyes already closing.

"Okay," came Ranma's muffled voice, "Maybe in a minute."

An hour passed.

"Just a little longer," Ranma said haltingly, and then gave up and let his snore join Akane's. They didn't stir for a long time. Besides, Akane couldn't be trusted to stir anything properly anyway, so it was just as well. 

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	6. Chaos Unabated--and Really Nasty, Too

Disclaimer: Do not own Ranma 1/2. Do not own anything having to do with Ranma 1/2. Do not even own the series, just read it off the internet and watched it at my sisters.

Agent of Chaos

Chapter VI: Chaos Unabated--and Really Nasty, Too

In a fine little okonomiyaki restaurant filled with eager customers, where the items on the toppings menu ranged from the Usual, to Fried Onions and Hamburger, to Strange, Salad-Like Stuff that was Found Growing Out Back, Ukyo Kuonji frowned at the woman across from her, an annoyed light reflecting out of the corner of one eye.

Ukyo had thought she'd grown rather used to some of the odd things that happen in Nerima-ku. Ghosts, demons, spirits, evil creatures, martial artists, food that tries to eat you--she was all rather used to that. Being with Ranchan for any amount of time, you had to come to expect SOME unusual types of things. Besides, it's what brought her half her business! She would never survive if not for the sheer number of wackos that haunt this berg. But still...

"What do you MEAN, 'it's just gone?'" she snapped with an agitated flick of a spatula.

Nodoka Saotome sighed, and waited to answer while a large gangly thing with excessively large purple dreadlocks ambled by. "I mean it's gone, as if some ornery nighttime-wandering giant had taken a liking to Tendo-ke and took it home to show off to his friends."

Ukyo paused to think about it. 

"You DID check for huge footprints, right?"

Mrs. Saotome nodded.

Ukyo muttered vexedly as she took an order from an enormously tall man with what appeared to be three nostrils, and a huge iron fist instead of a hand. In a flash, she whipped up his Noodle and Old Pastrami, and sent him to sit down next to a rowdy group of people who had huge battles over the last scraps of food, which a redhead in black almost always won.

"Well," Nodoka sighed, standing slowly, "I suppose I had better go now. I've got a number of errands to run, and an appointment with my dentist."

Ukyo nodded, snatching up her plate and whirling it through a dishwasher. "Thanks for the info, Mrs. Saotome," she said. "Maybe I'll be able to find where they all went to."

"I hope so, my dear. I'll see you soon, then."

"Bye!" Ukyo waved as Ranchan's mother made her way out of her restaurant, passing a blue, long nosed creature that made his way in and sat across from a rugged-looking man with a large blaster-like gun holstered at his side. 

More and more people began to file into Ucchan's, and Ukyo's annoyance was mounting by the second. Why did Konatsu have to choose today, of all days, to use the vacation time Ukyo had given him? After all, he usually didn't know what the word 'relaxation' MEANT, much less go off for a week of it. She wanted to go ask Cologne if she knew anything about this. It wouldn't surprise Ukyo at all.

And why didn't somebody tell her earlier that Tendo-ke and everyone in it had gone missing? She could have arranged for a substitute cook, or closed shop, or--

Her attention was caught by a cheery-looking man with a black, spiky hair style, dressed entirely in orange and blue who was waving his hand frantically at her.

"Excuse me! Miss? Could we have more please? We're all still really hungry!" He gestured to the two men beside him, a sour-faced older man with spikes that went almost straight up and who looked like he glared at everything, and a younger smiling man that looked a lot like the man in orange.

Ukyo forced a smile. "Sure thing, sugar. One second." With an angry flare of her aura, she produced their seventeenth pan of super-large Anything-Goes okonomiyaki in record time, and sent it flying across the room the three of them.

After a moment of slight surprise, the men went at it. In another few seconds, it was gone.

"More please!" the man called again.

"Yeah, that was really tasty!" the younger man added.

It was all too much for Ukyo. With a battle cry and a leap, she was suddenly right beside the three men, two of whom cowered away from her and one just eyed her warily. 

"All right!" Ukyo snarled, grabbing the man in the orange gi and putting her face close to his. "Do you know how to cook at all?"

"W-well, yeah, a little bit, but--"

"GOOD!" She hauled him to his feet, dragged him across the room, pushed him behind the counter, and in one smooth motion took off her apron and three of her mini-spatulas and whipped them onto him.

"Good luck!" she told him stoutly, clapping him on the shoulder--and winced as she did, because it felt as if it were made of iron. Shrugging, she made her way swiftly out of her restaurant, her aura still lighting the air around her.

Son Goku blinked and looked down at himself, wondering what had just happened.

"Come ON, Kakarot," Vegeta snapped. "Stop admiring your new dress and start cooking!"

"But--"

"No buts! I'm hungry, you clown!"

"Okay, okay, jeez! Now... how do I start this thing?"

"Ah... you pour the batter, Dad."

"Oh! Right!"

***

The shiny wisps of a small rain cloud flickered in the afternoon sun like so many evil-looking tentacles, reaching down out of the Italian sky above the Coliseum. Anyone who came late to the gladiator battles that day would have looked down on the arena only to find half the Roman legions lying in ruins, and in a lot of pain, too. Then, the wise citizen would quite promptly leave the scene, sure that whatever god had thrown a temper-tantrum here was best left alone.

The slightly less wise ones would have creeped closer for a better look, and would have discovered that somebody had gone and built houses on the arena floor since yesterday. They would then realize that something very wrong was afoot, and promptly run for their lives.

Even further down the brain-trust scale, some would wander down into the bottom of the Coliseum and realize that the architecture wasn't Roman at all, but was almost... oriental. They would wander up to the house--stepping over soldiers and gladiators alike--and try to peak into the windows, but still keep their distance.

The village idiot opened the door and walked right in. Thirty seconds later, the spectators had the chance to see the poor dumb jackass be ejected into the air, quickly reaching what is know in a time and place miles and years away as Lower Earth Orbit. 

There was scattered applause. Galtolimus had not been a well-liked man.

Inside the main building of Tendo-ke, people were kicking back and relaxing for a bit--that is, everyone but Soun Tendo and Genma Saotome, who were valiantly trying to untangle themselves from the knots they'd been tied into. 

Ranma and Akane had woken up grumpy.

But everyone else was trying to take a break, and nothing especially weird was going on. Then the front door banged open. "That's MR. Weird to you, author," the midget himself grumbled, glaring around at the ceiling. Ranma sat up to look at him, and noticed with some satisfaction that the little man was once again looking decidedly pale and rumpled, with dark circles around his eyes.

"Bad morning, little man?" he sneered. "Oh, the poor midget isn't feeling so good, is he?"

Mr. Weird said a dirty word.

Ranma said one back.

Mr. Weird described quite graphically what exactly he thought of Ranma, using an astounding number of four-letter words.

Ranma retorted by telling a number of crippling, maiming, really nasty, and overall painful things he would do to Weird if he ever got the chance.

Weird replied by bluntly pointing out and describing Ranma's flaws, which ran from everything to his ego to the color of his eyes to his disrespect for the fine cuisine of Cheese-Whiz and Spam. After calling Weird a number of names that made even Nabiki wince, Ranma demanded to know what exactly Spam was. Weird refused to tell, and instead called Ranma something unrepeatable and blew a raspberry at him.

After that, things just kinda went downhill, and they eventually degenerated into shouting "MIDGET!" and "GIRL-BOY!" over and over. It was about then that Akane's patience "went out," rather in the same way a nuclear bomb "makes its presence known" or a particularly angry Super Saiyan "says hello." 

When the dust cleared, Akane was panting for breath, Ranma was looking pretty uncomfortable, and Mr. Weird appeared to be desperately clinging to life. And, because of the quick thinking of the family who knew Akane's temper well, the room's furniture had been safely moved out into the hallway.

"Finally," Akane huffed, swaying slightly. "You shut up."

Looking far worse for wear then he had just a few moments ago, Who W. Weird struggled to his feet, his face beat, er, beet red and his nostrils flaring. "Alright!" he thundered, trying to pull the desecrated remains of his hat down lower over his forehead, "That takes the straw! I'll make sure you regret doing that, stupid girl!"

Abruptly, he began to skip furiously in a circle, whistling "If I Only Had a Brain" and blowing bubbles from a long stick that had PROPERTY OF MICHEAL JACKSON engraved in silver on one side. He stopped skipping suddenly, and then blew a particularly large bubble at Akane, which hovered a moment in front of her nose, then popped with a sound like somebody had stepped on a yak. 

Akane blinked and sneezed, trying to rub whatever-it-was out of her eyes. Then, as she removed her hand to glare down at the little man, her skirt stirred as if it were in a gentle wind. After a moment, while everyone watched it curiously, it started trying to take off into the air on its own. 

Whipping her hands down and holding it to her knees, Akane shouted "You're nothing but another perverted old--"

Mr. Weird laughed. "Wait. Not finished yet, girl."

Akane opened her mouth as if to reply, but suddenly there was a blur in the air around her, and Ranma watched slack-jawed as she started to fall.

Now, normally, Akane seems to be falling a lot. Thrown from a cliff by a kidnapper, knocked off her feet by an errant ki-blast, carried along for a ride in a massive mid-air battle that totally destroyed a mountain--it goes on. And every single time, Ranma was there to catch her when she needed him most, like a pigtailed guardian angel.

The problem was, she was falling in the wrong direction.

Akane Tendo hit the ceiling with a startled grunt, her skirt and hair hanging down obediently to the normal laws of gravity, but the rest of her adamantly refusing to be law-abiding molecules. With a muffled scream, she pulled her skirt down over her again, and looked down--or is that up?--at Ranma and her father.

"Get me down!" she said desperately, waving her manacled hand down at Ranma.

Ranma, his hand already pulled up into the air, dubiously took hold of the chain and tugged on it. With a startled yelp, Akane shot upward--er, downward and turned herself upright, grabbing hard onto Ranma's shoulders and pressing close to him. Ranma suddenly felt very light.

After a moment, though, Akane's face started to turn red. Ranma blushed.

"What?" he tried to snap, but it came out as almost a whine.

Akane looked up at him dizzily. "All the bloods starting to rush to my head."

He blinked. "Oh..."

With a sigh, Akane let go of him and fell to the ceiling, this time landing on her feet with a soft tap. Looking up, er, down at everyone, she tied her skirt around herself and glared at Mr. Weird.

"Okay!" she snapped, moving her flying hair out of her face, "What is it gonna take to get me down?"

Weird smirked. "You have to say you're sorry."

Akane shrugged. "Okay, I'm sorry. Can I get down now?"

"Mmm... no."

Akane took a deep, calming breath. "And why not?" she grated out.

"Because I want you to think about what you've done."

"For how long?"

The little man positively grinned, shaking a finger at her. "Oh, no more than a week or so, I suppose." He turned on his heel and started heading for the door, a merry skip in his stride again. "Well, I'll be seeing you tomorrow, then!" he said over his shoulder.

Suddenly, Ranma and Mr. Tendo loomed over the midget, complete with black shrouds and all white glowing eyes and teeth that looked like they had better be kept away from children.

"And just where do you think you're going?" Tendo rumbled, toting a large and nasty looking bladed staff over one shoulder. Ranma nodded menacingly, cracking his knuckles and casually bending a crowbar into a pretzel. 

Weird grinned amiably, but nonetheless backed away. "Heh heh... Ah, don't worry, boys... only temporary, after all... wouldn't want any unpleasantness, now would we?"

The looks Ranma and Soun gave the little man said quite a large amount of Unpleasantness was impending, and had much to do with the very painful things Ranma had mentioned earlier, along with throwing him in the Spring of Drowned Man Passing Golfball-Sized Kidney Stone and a number of other quite Unpleasant things.

Eyes darting, Weird whipped out a small silver box, and flipped the top open with a series of strange noises. "Beam me up, Drooly!" he squeaked, and he shimmered briefly in a nice shade of chartreuse, and then was gone.

Ranma and Mr. Tendo blinked, totally ruining the "looming menace" effect. Nabiki sighed. 

"I'll go get you some pants, okay Sis?"

"Um, yeah. Thanks, Nabiki." 

***

Ah, Wednesday! Also called the Hump Day (no jokes, please), Wednesday is the day of the week where you look back on what you've done in the first half of the week, considering your triumphs and failures, the joy and sadness, the good and the bad.

Unfortunately for Ranma, it looked as though the Bad had the Good in a sleeper-hold, and was repeatedly pounding one of its knees into the kidneys.

Ranma slowly opened his eyes, and instinctively cowered away before he remember that Akane was SUPPOSED to be on the ceiling. They had had to set up a sort of makeshift bunk-bed last night so that they could both be able to lie down. It still left his hand hanging in the air, though.

He shook his chained hand, trying to force blood into his arm and gently wake Akane at the same time. She snorted and muttered, rolling over fiercely. Ranma was thrown off-balance and fell off the "bunk," yanking both of them up and down for a moment.

"What is it?" Akane said groggily, rubbing her eyes.

"We'd better check where we are," Ranma told her. "I ain't sittin' around here waiting for some huge green demon thing ta' spring in on us."

Akane sighed, standing up. "I guess you're right."

Together, they walked over to the window and gazed outside. After a moment, they looked at each other. 

"Do you remember when we used to get assaulted by wacko martial artists and evil spirits?" Akane asked him.

"Yeah," Ranma said longingly, "I miss those times. So peaceful, ya know? You could just look out the window, and see the same good old quiet Nerima every morning."

"Yeah, I miss those times, too."

***

Nabiki looked decidedly ill. "You're quite sure?"

Ranma and Akane nodded. "Haven't you looked out a window?" Ranma asked.

Nabiki shook her head. "I didn't have the courage." There was a pause, while the middle Tendo girl looked at them. "You're POSITIVE?"

"Nabiki," Akane snapped, rolling her eyes, "Who ELSE goes around in different colors of spandex with funny helmets, posing and shouting their names, and then calling on huge robots that look like they'd crumple under a good sneeze to destroy a monster's base about the size of a port-a-potty?"

Nabiki Tendo sighed. "I know, but...." Her face took on a green cast. "Power Rangers?" she gasped, nauseated at the very words.

Ranma opened his mouth to reply, but a large robotic voice roared "YOU IN THERE! COME OUT AND IDENTIFY YOURSELVES!"

Ranma's eye twitched like it was trying to leave his head. He stomped over to the door, threw it open, and took one step out with his unchained arm extended.

"MOKOU TAKABISHA!"

There was a loud crash and a steely groan, like something large and built with poor metal material was being wrenched backward, and an even louder crash as said shoddy alloy impaled itself on top of a large building. As the dust settled, the sound of wild cheering could be made out somewhere in the distance.

"They'll be back," Ranma sighed, leaning against a wall. "Wake me when they finish with the speeches and the light show."

Author's notes:

Well, this one took me much longer than the others, and it kind of went on a long time before I introduced the People in Spandex, but that's just the way it goes sometimes. Next chapter will be more with Pwr Rngrs, and an unfortunate incident with a deranged donkey.

See you then,

AJ Andreason


	7. In Which Spandex Flies

Agent of Chaos Chapter VII: In Which Spandex Flies  
  
Disclaimer: I did not come up the idea to use a disclaimer, and do not own any of the rights associated with such. Oh, and same goes with Ranma 1/2.  
  
Ucchan's was in trouble.  
  
At first, it was the plain and simple fact that Son Goku had never actually cooked anything for himself in his entire life--that is, besides the occasional dinosaur steak, and fish. Lots of big fish. More fish than most men care to see in a lifetime. Tons of the suckers; so many, normal people couldn't even think of it.  
  
Did we happen to mention he likes to fish?  
  
Yes, well anyway. Before long, his deep knowledge of the art of fish began to dry up as orders poured in, ranging everything from Sautéed Portabellos to Rather Odd, Glowing Mutagen to--*shudder*-- Meatloaf. The crowd of hungry wackos might have gotten quite nasty if he and Gohan hadn't been able to convince Vegeta to take over cooking.  
  
"All right, all right!" the Saiyan Prince snapped, stalking over to the counter. "ANYTHING to get you two to stop whining at me! But if you even THINK of trying to get me to wear that stupid apron, I'll blast you into the next dimension!"  
  
Goku smiled reassuringly, immediately crossing his fingers behind his back. "Would I do that to you, Vegeta?"  
  
Vegeta snorted and grabbed a spatula. "You had better not, Kakarot."  
  
Ten minutes more of nagging, and he was wearing a bright pink one with the words "MR. BAD" in yellow surrounded by hearts on the front. The expression he wore would have done battle with Nabiki's best cut-heart-out-one-paper- cut-at-a-time death gaze.  
  
After the surly new chef took over, things got worse. Even though it turned out that Vegeta was an excellent cook, Goku had to constantly stop him from obliterating customers that so much as looked at him. Then there were the problems of stopping Goku from eating out the restaurant, figuring out the prices for the several thousand different menu items, Goku's attempts at being a greeter--people were still nursing broken fingers--and worst of all, more customers pouring in by the moment.  
  
Oh yeah, Goku thought, and then there was the thing with that guy with his big gun.  
  
He had been a tall man, with very pale, short-cut blond hair and hard blue eyes, dressed in strange red and white skin-tight clothing. His black gun had a long, square barrel with the words Colt .44 engraved darkly on its mirror-bright surface, and a single round lay resting in its first chamber. After calmly ordering and eating his meal, the man had slowly stood up and made his way to the counter, where Vegeta was busy arguing with a blue- haired, pointy-eared fellow as to whether one was sent to the next dimension or the Void. It was getting quite spirited, as both men were glowing.  
  
"Can I help you, Mister...?" Goku asked, smiling slightly.  
  
The man looked lazily up at him, and carefully un-holstered his gun. "Knives," he said cheerfully, slowly bringing that large pistol upward, "and yes, you can do something for me."  
  
Goku blinked. "What?"  
  
Knives' Insanely Evil Grin widened, and he pointed his weapon at the Saiyan's head. "Die first," he chuckled, and pulled the trigger. There was a loud crack and a puff of smoke, and Knives threw back his head, his laughter chilling the air around him. Slowly opening his eyes, he looked down at his latest extermination of this flawed, pathetic human race.  
  
He stopped laughing quite abruptly.  
  
"Ouch," Goku complained weakly, rubbing a tiny spot on his forehead. A ghost of a frown came to his lips. "Now, that wasn't very nice," he said disapprovingly, shaking his head. "I don't know what's okay where you come from, but here, that's just not polite."  
  
Knives boggled a moment that anyone could call being shot in the head "not polite" and then gained control of himself. His eyes narrowed in concentration, and the top part of the end of his gun shot off, hitting the floor with a solid-sounding clink. The device inside began to glow softly, and many odd and rather ugly faces turned curiously toward the disturbance. It soon shone brightly even in the day-lit restaurant.  
  
The man's Madly Evil Laughter continued as if it had never ceased, and the gun slowly shifted and changed in his hand, spreading up his arm and expanding, the light growing more intense by the moment. Soon, the weapon grew to about thirty times its original size, with long black feathers spreading out behind and the brilliant light breaking through the front of the barrel.  
  
With a final schizophrenic giggle, the gun fired right at Goku, filling the world with a blinding, cleansing white.  
  
After what seemed forever--or at least until next Tuesday--the glow faded from the little restaurant called Ucchan's, and people blinked away the funny stringy thingies and little dots that were floating in front of their eyes. It seemed that the last to turn his head was Knives, who always liked to relish the massive devastation he caused, the pain and suffering he had inflicted on these insects, the--  
  
The little ruffle in Goku's hair.  
  
The man in orange and blue was otherwise untouched. Well, maybe if you looked really, REALLY close, you might see a few spots of dust on the corner of his left boot, but he would probably move by the time you were able to get a magnifying glass big enough to make it out clearly.  
  
"W-what... how...?" was all Knives could gasp, the gun shrinking back to normal size. Goku shook his head sadly, and casually grabbed the Angel Arm and rolled it into a tiny little ball.  
  
"Listen," Goku said reasonably, rolling his new steely in one hand, "I know you're probably pretty strong for most people around here, but... I think you should leave while you can." He smiled and gave a friendly clap on Knives' shoulder, which immediately went limp.  
  
"Try training some more," Goku suggested, "and then maybe next time, you might be able to singe my clothes."  
  
Knives, with a rather large amount of sweat flooding down his neck, decided it was time for a good old-fashioned military maneuver. Anyone who can appreciate Mr. I.M. Superior squeaking like a girly-girl and running for his life say "Aye!"  
  
Owie... There go the ear drums...  
  
***  
  
Ranma had faced many strange challenges in his time.  
  
Haunted dolls, ghosted paintings, reflections that took off out of the mirror all on their own, possessing demons that made people "evil," and oh yeah, there were the insanely powerful martial artists, punctuated by the occasional prince or demi-god. They seemed to track him down just about when he thought he had started to figure the universe out, like telemarketers with access to Yggdrasil.  
  
None, however, were quite as... well, as COLORFUL as this one.  
  
The whole group lined up together in a wedge-shape, kind of like rainbow- colored candles on top of a plastic cake. Only, Ranma guessed there wasn't to much light coming form up top. It became clear after each got into fighting stances Ranma thought he remembered using when he was six, first announcing their name and doing a pose.  
  
"Ah... Ranma?" Akane asked quietly from above him in the air.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Are we SURE these people are martial artists?"  
  
Ranma blinked, and looked up at her. "What else could they be?"  
  
"I don't know. Hey, maybe could be the local cheerleading squad?"  
  
Ranma looked doubtful. "I dunno... How many guys are cheerleaders? 'Cuz I KNOW some of them are guys. Besides, anyone who dresses in that much plastic must be few fish-flakes short of an okonomiyaki. Any other ideas?"  
  
"Nope. All my ideas are kind of up in the air."  
  
Ranma snickered. "Along with everything else?"  
  
Akane scowled and whacked him with the chain. "Har, har, har, baka."  
  
"Ow! Hey, it was only--"  
  
"Hey you!" one of the People in Spandex cut in, pointing at the finacees dramatically. His color was cherry red, and he was obviously the leader, because all classic leaders stood at the center. This reason is for this has long been lost in the recesses of Hero Leadership history, but still persists in some groups today. However, of necessity, this rule was changed in brighter groups due to the frequency of commands like "Aim for the center, boys! We'll be done with this group by lunch time!"  
  
"If you let the girl go," Red continued, making an exaggerated pleading gesture with one hand, "we'll consider being lenient on you."  
  
"First of all," Ranma said evenly, "I ain't the one who put this chain on, and I'd give a lot to have off. Second...." he cracked his loudly, a very nasty grin growing rapidly across his face, "Just who the hell is goin' to have to LENIENT?"  
  
Cherry abruptly crossed his arms. It seemed he was trying to make of for a lack of any facial expression. "In that case, we have not choice but to ERK!"  
  
The man in red spandex cut off abruptly when he discovered that Ranma's foot had somehow implanted itself into his right jugular vein. He managed to roll away as the others scattered, leaping out on all sides and backing away carefully. One of them, the one in banana yellow, managed to help their fallen leader to his feet.  
  
"What kind of horrible villain are you?" she gasped, shocked to the core. "You didn't even let him finish his monologue!"  
  
Akane and Ranma looked at each other and groaned.  
  
"Let's just get this over with, Ranma," Akane sighed. "I've got better things to do than hang around and watch this."  
  
"Hey, no arguments here." In a single bound--made slightly higher than intended by Akane's counter-gravity--Ranma was on them again, with a look on his face like a man sent to do a disgusting job that nobody else would do.  
  
***  
  
"Oh," Genma Saotome winced with a small burst of pride, watching with interest as Ranma began the melee. "That looked rather painful, wouldn't you agree Ten-- TENDO! I only looked away for a moment!"  
  
"What's your point, Saotome?" Tendo said calmly as he reached for the bag of explosive dice. He threw two on the table in front of his friend where, and after each rolled a six, they exploded with twelve deadening bangs and brilliant flashes of light.  
  
"OH, NOTHING!" Genma said loudly, and fumbled a bit until he found and moved his cherry-bomb forward three squares.  
  
"WHAT?" Tendo replied, staring somewhere off to the left of his friend.  
  
"WHAT?" Genma answered, cupping a hand over his ear.  
  
"THAT'S WHAT I ASKED!"  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"EXACTLY!"  
  
"EXACTLY WHAT?"  
  
"RIGHT!"  
  
"...WHAT?!"  
  
Before the conversation could get any more convoluted, a blurry outline Genma recognized as Nabiki trudged back in the shogi doors.  
  
"All you all right, Nabiki?" Kasumi asked with a concerned frown--at least, that's what Genma THOUGHT it was. "You look a little pail!"  
  
"Sorry," Nabiki sighed, and pointed out at Ranma's kaleidoscopic foes. "There's just something unsettling about that much spandex flying through the air."  
  
Kasumi blinked. "Oh, my..."  
  
Nabiki nodded. "Add the flashing light of all those Mokou Takabishas and all those colors swirling around, it makes an effect like one of those animes that send people into seizures."  
  
Kasumi's frown deepened. "Really?" With an uncommonly determined gleam in her eye, she marched out the open doors and into the brawl that was outside.  
  
***  
  
Outside was a war zone. Only, instead of the usually massive carnage, the large explosions, the sharp wrap of automatic gunfire, and bodies sprawled out everywhere, THIS war zone consisted mostly of five colorblind and fashion-senseless superheroes, an aggravated Master of Anything Goes Martial Arts, and a girl with her gravity on backwards, attached on a chain.  
  
Did we forget anything?  
  
Ah, yes.  
  
And one homemaker.  
  
"Kasumi?" Akane asked, startled. "What are you doing out here?"  
  
Ranma paused mid-throw to stare at his finacee's sister, easily balancing the blue-suited warrior in one outstretched hand. Kasumi's frown was unnervingly stern, and she put her hands firmly on her hips.  
  
"Ranma, Akane," she said chidingly. "Why don't you stop this now? You're making Nabiki feel sick."  
  
Ranma and Akane looked at each other and blinked. That seemed to be their favorite expression that day. "But--" they said together.  
  
"No buts," Kasumi said firmly. "You can do this another time."  
  
Ranma sighed, and slowly lowered his missile to the ground. "Okay, if you say so. But THEY started it..."  
  
Akane looked at Kasumi carefully. "Are you okay, imouto-chan? You acting a little... well, weird."  
  
"Oh ho, NO my friends!" a darn-freakin' all-too-familiar voice erupted, riding over whatever Kasumi had been going to say. "We can't end the fun just yet!"  
  
"Oh, no," Ranma growled, eye twitching. "It's the midget!"  
  
And indeed it was. Who W. Weird stood tall and proud--well, proud in no- longer rumpled and dirtied white suit, and his had looked as his he'd just gotten it dry-cleaned. His mismatched eyes glowed with almost equal fever-- it's hard to match gold, after all-- and he had a new tie; striped red, blue, yellow, pink, and green.  
  
It seemed that he'd taken to coming a bit later in the day. Three cheers for Arulhanana.  
  
Abruptly, Mr. Weird glared in the general direction of the author, displaying a very intricate and rude gesture. "Your mother was a wallaby and your father was a college professor!" he leered, giving the sky the hairy eyeball.  
  
There was a moment of silence, not unlike that of a previous chapter, where the feeling of something really very nasty was about to happen was hanging in the air.  
  
But nothing happened. There wasn't a sound.  
  
Weird grunted with satisfaction. "Knew this was too important a scene for you to mess with, you egg-headed pansy of a--"  
  
The midget suddenly disappeared, winking out as if he'd never been there at all. After several seconds, he reappeared, covered from head to toe in mutated raccoon feces. Almost immediately, he was struck by lightning out of the clear blue sky--repeatedly--and then was run over by a dromedary, a herd of yaks, a horse and carriage, three hippos, a steamroller, and fat lady with an exceptionally bad case of diarrhea.  
  
A single egg fell from the sky, cracking open and sizzling on Weird's face.  
  
There was a pause, and another moment of silence. Slowly, the collectively gathered residents of Tendo-ke, plus a few new spangled neighbors, stared at the remains of the illustrious Agent of Chaos.  
  
"So..." Ranma told Akane slowly. "Who do you think he was talkin' to?"  
  
Akane shook her head, her face a little pail. "Whoever it is, let's make very sure to be very, very nice to him."  
  
Ranma nodded fervently.  
  
So let it be know, ever on to the end of time--or what passes for it in fiction--that characters must NEVER call the author a pansy.  
  
It's kind of rude, after all.  
  
Ranma squinted at the flattened silhouette of his tormentor, wondering if he was dead. Suddenly, though, he though he saw a flicker of movement. Slowly, with great care and pain, Who W. Weird wiggled one smelly finger in the air.  
  
"Darn... author..." the little man croaked, and everyone drew back. "Won't... give up... one more... trick... HATE... dramatic pause... sentences!"  
  
With supreme effort, the little man wiggled his finger into a complicated dance, slightly reminiscent of a belly-dancer walking on mouse traps, and then managed to snap it against his thumb. There was a hollow clanging sound, like someone was trying to play a saxophone using a pitchfork, and a slight rush.  
  
With a blink and a start, Ranma and Akane disappeared.  
  
***  
  
Ranma was used to new and challenging situations.  
  
"No, no, no! We're heading for that building, baka! Turn the OTHER way!"  
  
"AND JUST HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?"  
  
"Try a lever! ANY LEVER!"  
  
"Oh, NO!"  
  
"AAAAAHHHHHH!" they screamed in unison.  
  
Driving a giant robot was still a little out of his field.  
  
Desperately, Ranma and Akane had pushed all the buttons and pulled all the levers they could find, but all they'd managed to do so far is fire more missiles and lasers. As the skyscraper loomed nearer, Ranma began activating things at Amaguriken speed, causing several mechanisms to flash and pour smoke. Finally, within inches of the building, the many-part robot swerved to one side.  
  
Right at a school building.  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEE!"  
  
They leap over the school, going off balance and rocking toward a bridge over a bay.  
  
"OOOOOOWWWW!"  
  
They manage to do the limbo under the bridge at the last second, giving those driving on it a rather unsettling view, and make their way farther out into the bay. The tide swings them off balance, leaning perilously over a cruise boat.  
  
"YAAAAAAAAAA!"  
  
Some sort of rocket booster fires from the feet of the tin-can monstrosity, sending them over the large ship. For a few seconds, they flew gracefully through the air, as free as the birds. That is, until the power gave out, and they plummeted downward again, heading right of an abandoned garbage scow.  
  
"Ah, crap," Ranma whines.  
  
There is a sound like several tons of aluminum had fallen from the sky-- which makes sense, since it had--and imbedded itself neck-deep in refuse.  
  
The was a pause.  
  
"Ranma?" Akane asked slowly.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Sometimes, I hate being around you."  
  
Ranma groaned. "That's okay. I hate being around me too."  
  
With that, the top of the robot caved in, covering them in a large amount of rather unpleasant material. That didn't make the two finacees very happy. In fact, one could even say that Ranma and Akane were "in the dumps."  
  
"Author no baka," Ranma groaned, his eyes unfocused his face covered in muck.  
  
Author's notes:  
  
WHEW! This chapter officially first drafted on 8/23/2002 at 11:33 PM. I kind got a little weirder with the last two pages... can't say exactly why... Shall we call it a little to much free time?  
  
By far, this was the longest chapter to finish, especially because I had a long pause while I was on vacation. I hope it paid off, though! Gomen about grammar and other mistakes; my best editor moved away.  
  
I absolutely LOVE any commentary of any kind on stories, so never hesitate to write. It REALLY helps me right new chapters.  
  
There will be AT LEAST three more chapters to come, so stay tuned.  
  
The Chaos will live on, AJ Andreason 


	8. Where No Midget Has Gone Before

It has been a long, long time. Did you miss me? Do you hate me? Good! 'Cause I'm here to stay!

WHAT HAS HAPPENED BEFORE:

Ranma is tortured by the antics of Who W. Weird, Agent of Chaos, a big-nosed, red-combat-boot-wearing, six-inch midget who teleports the Tendo residence place to place, summons armies of ninjas and extremely Evil Purple Dinosaurs, puts peoples' gravity on backwards, and contemplates the greatness that is Cheese-Whiz. 

Previous chapters can be found at or at under the name AJ Andreason.

Agent of Chaos---by AJ Andreason

Chapter VIII: Where No Midget Has Gone Before

Disclaimer: Do not own even the tiniest part of Ranma or Star Trek. If I did, I would probably be at a convention somewhere, signing autographs for a bunch of weirdoes dressed up as Clingons, and winding my days away wondering why the hell I hadn't invested into Microsoft instead. 

A man, covered in the dust of days, his brown locks waving majestically in the cool breeze, stood sentinel in front of Furinkan High.

Tatewaki Kuno, undefeated Kendo champion, Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, stared out with god-like determination into the distance. Thus in this place would he wait for his loves, until his strength--mighty as the mountains that withstood the endless dashing of the sea--failed him, and his feet could no longer stand erect his bones.

Which, after three days of standing in the same place without food or water, wouldn't be that long yet.

In fact, we should start a count down. 10.

"Sasuke," Kuno muttered, and the ninja sprang up from behind a beer can. 

"Yes, master?"

9.

"Nigh on these three days have I waited for my loves, the pig-tailed girl and Akane Tendo, which doubtless the sorcerer has hidden away."

8.

"And it now occurs to me," the Kendoist continued, his eyes glazing slightly (7), "that mayhaps it might be that my loves cannot come. Perhaps they are trapped by the vile Saotome, and cannot be released from the prison of their place of residence."

"But master, I told you three days ago that—"

"Silence, Sasuke!" Kuno snapped (6), waving one hand empirically. "I shall now go and investigate my self, and see what has become of Akane Tendo and the Pigtailed Goddess." His began lift his left leg, and frowned disapprovingly when it didn't move more than an inch or two. 5. He tried the other leg, which had the audacity to not move at all. 4. Boiling with rage and indignation (the very nerve of his body not doing what he told it to!) he poured ever ounce of energy he had left in him to propel himself forward.

3-2-1—ah, hell with it—

*THUMP*

***

"You pathetic infantile excuse for a ninja!" the Blue Thunder, well, thundered, throwing off the sheets from his hospital bed. "Why did you not TELL me that the entire Tendo place of residence had gallivanted off into the night like some... some... some night-gallivanting place of residence!"

"But MASTER, I TRIED to tell you, but you—"

"We will discuss your failings later," Kuno cut in. "Now, I go to wait in before where once stood the gates which held my true loves until they return. And wait I shall, until my flesh withers from my body and my blood is clay!"

He paused.

"What are you waiting for, Sasuke!? Get me a wheelchair!"

"Yes, Master!" The diminutive ninja shot off into the hospital, swiftly grabbing the nearest wheelchair, accidentally neglecting to ask permission it of its current occupant, but was reminded when said occupant's shotgun fired off a round or two.

***

"Will you STOP EATING!" Vegeta roared, pointing an accusing finger down at the other one of the last two Saiyans.

"What?" Goku protested, his face covered in all sorts of scraps of food best left unidentified. "I haven't had that much!"

The Saiyan Prince stared back in disbelief--and he had to fly to do it, as the man had built himself a small fortress out of old plates, glasses, chopsticks, (when he actually bother to use them) platters, bowls, pans, and what looked like a pig-shaped set of those little sticks you use to eat corn on the cob. Even with Gohan frantically washing dishes in the background, the pile had only seemed to increase in size.

Vegeta finally snorted. "Fine. As long as YOU pay for it, do what you want."

"Heh!" Goku said indignantly. Well, as indignantly as Goku could manage. "Just admit it--you're jealous!"

"I'm WHAT?!"

"You heard me! You jealous of the fact that I can eat more than you!"

Vegita's aura flared as he whirled to within inches of Goku. "Is that a challenge, Kakarot?" he bellowed.

"Yeah, I guess it is," Goku replied confidently.

"FINE! YOU'RE ON!" The prince sat down abruptly, a determined scowl fixed on his face. 

There was a pause.

"Uh... you have to cook the food first, you know."

"Kakarot no baka."

***

Ryoga Hibiki's life was hell.

The problems began--as all things did, in his view--with Ranma. Ranma stealing his bread. Ranma beating him at the Art. Ranma never showing up for challenges. Ranma stealing the girl he loved--well, one of them, anyway--and Ranma giving him a horrible curse to turn into a pig when ever he was touched by cold water, forcing him to always be living in fear that one day he would be caught off guard and end up roasted for somebody's supper. Or worse, that Akane would find out and... and do something that would leave him just as cooked.

But now he had a bigger problem.

One with huge, vein-riddled muscles and off-center gold teeth.

Ryoga shuttered at the memory of the bizarre transformation that had warped him, body and mind, into something... something...

"Something REALLY UGLY, that's what," he concluded aloud. "I never thought anything could be worse than turning into a pig, but..." He shivered at the memory of it. Him, Ryoga Hibiki, standing on top of a stage that had appeared from nowhere, ranting on and foaming at the mouth for a solid couple of hours at least, all the while being laughed at by that despicable Ranma, and his sweet Akane watching with horror, Nabiki filming in the background, and even Kasumi looking a little...

Wait a second! Back up! Nabiki filming in the background?! "But that means that she going to--and that I'm going to have to--and--and--" He threw back his head and howled. "RANMA SAOTOME, I SWEAR I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS! I'LL FIND YOU!"

He paused, his head turning slowly as he looked around at the endless rolling hills of green sparsely forested land that stretched out for at least a few hundred miles in every direction.

"Some day," he added weakly. 

***

Ranma Saotome--currently female from the swim back, and very smelly from trash and sea-water--and Akane Tendo--equally female and equally smelly, yet thankfully no longer anti-gravitized--stood shivering in the towels that Kasumi had given them, standing much closer together than they might normally. It was a closeness that, in and of itself, they didn't really mind; true, if asked about it, they would violently protest otherwise, but that wasn't really the issue.

They had a larger problem. A problem so potentially... uh, potentially not-good in Ranma and Akane's view, they nearly burst a vessel just thinking about it.

"Well, maybe would could make an outdoor shower?" Kasumi suggested tentatively.

"Uh... thanks but no thanks, sis," Akane said with a shudder, "but that wouldn't really help. We'd still have to change clothes to get the garbage off." 

"Any other ideas?" Ranma said desperately.

"Oh, come on," Nabiki said chidingly, a nasty glint in her eye. "You both girls, right?"

"Not for LONG, we wouldn't be," the pigtailed girl snapped. "And if you think that cold water's gonna cut it, think again."

After much arguing and many flushed looked exchanged between the two fiances, they finally decided to put a screen to separate the two sides of the furrow, which Kasumi left to fill--and that in itself was curious, since the water pipes were no longer connected to anything, strictly speaking. Not that that bothered Kasumi; she decided not to question her good luck. 

So, Ranma and Akane were led into the little room where they stood a long moment, most definitely NOT looking at each other. Slowly, and then with incredible speed, the two undressed and settled in their respective side of the water--which was another problem, since they had neglected to decide which side their respective side WAS.

"EEEE!" *WHACK!* *SPLASH!*

"OUCH! I didn't see nothin! I swear it!"

"..."

***

Kasumi frowned worriedly. "Do you suppose they'll be alright?"

"I'm not sure," Nabiki said dryly, "but I wouldn't go in there if I was paid." She paused. "That is, unless it was a lot."

"Nabiki..."

***

"So the midget left after all?" Ranma said a very few minutes later, male now, and still a little pink in the cheeks. "Even after what happened to him?"

Nabiki nodded solemnly. "He's appears to be a tough little antagonist. I suppose that's the only way he'd be able to do his job in the first place."

"Uh... Antaga-what?"

"Never mind," Akane said through a yawn. "Let's just go to bed already. That stupid swim wore me out." She shoved herself to her feet, and began walking off.

"But--" Ranma protested, but Akane gave him her Blurry-Eyed Gaze of Not-Nice Happenings, and he sighed, "All right, whatever." They trudged off together to Akane's room, Ranma muttering something about Akane's beauty sleep and Akane absently whacking him with the chain. 

***

Unnoticed by either Ranma or Akane, Genma Saotome and Soun Tendo stood towering over a figure in a white suit and broad-brimmed hat--which wasn't hard, since a Smurf might be able to do the same, but Who W. Weird was no ordinary mini-man.

"So it's a deal?" Genma said solemnly, his arms folded in front of his chest and his head cocked just slightly to one side. Small specks of light wavered across his glasses, obscuring his eyes.

Weird nodded briskly. "Yes, I am agreed. And you, Soun Tendo?"

"Agreed." Tendo nodded to himself, his own eyes calm as he met his Genma's. They stared back at each other; each wondering if what they had just done would come back to haunt them, pondering if it had been worth it. But, shaking off that ridiculous idea, the both leapt into the air, capering about and shouting "YATTA! Ranma and Akane will be together at last! HAHAHAHAHAAAA!"

Weird had a bit of a chuckle of his own, if not for quite the same reason.

***

The next morning, the sun rose... or rather, it didn't. As a matter of fact, the only light was a steady, eerie glow that seemed to come from a metal bulkhead, just above the peak of the roof of Tendo-ke. Barrels and thick silver suitcases were stacked neatly in one corner, and two nearly identical vehicles that looked as if they had two large skis welded to the bottom of them lay resting on the hard metallic floor nearby.

"Captain?" Warf said abruptly from his station, his perpetual stern frown deepened by puzzlement.

"Yes, Lieutenant?"

"There seems to be something... very strange in Shuttle Bay 2."

***

" ...To seek out new life and new civilizations." Ranma said firmly, his head thrown back and gaze locked on the stars in the distance. "To boldly go where no Martial Artist has gone before..."

Ranma looked down at himself, only it wasn't a HIM he was looking down on. Unconcerned, she flipped out a square communicator, which opened with a series of beeps. "Beam me up, Scotty," she said loudly.

There was a flash of light, and when it cleared, she was careening toward a planet, and somehow through the clouds of the atmosphere, she could make out the image of Tatewaki Kuno, arm open wide with a rose in his lips. Those lips widened into a greasy smile. "Come to me, my pigtailed goddess from the heavens," he said grandly. "Come, and we will be together. Forever!"

***

"NOOOOOOOOOO--ACK!!!"

"You won't let me sleep in even once, will you?" Akane said tiredly, and stifled a yawn with her fist. With an effort, she removed her mallet from Ranma's mid-section. 

Ranma shivered. "Kuno, I'll get you someday! I swear it!"

"Kuno nightmare again?" Akane said sympathetically, covering another yawn. "What was it this t... oh, no."

Ranma suddenly became alert. "What is it?"

Wordlessly, Akane pointed outside through her window--which only extended about three feet before it met a thick metal wall anyway, so making it all the more ominous. With growing dread, Ranma stuck his head outside, letting his gaze travel across what he could see of the massive room. Most of it was metal and wire, and there was a wide double-door on the far side of the room, where men in orange and black uniforms were pouring in with small black and silver objects in their hands.

"NABIKIIIII!!"

***

Nabiki Tendo awoke with a start, and after one blurry-eyed glance out her window, wished dearly she had remembered to put earplugs in.

"Okay," she said carefully a few minutes later, her eyes focused down on the hot cup of tea Kasumi had just handed her. "I think I know where we are, judging by those uniforms, and remembering what I've seen of that show. This one is a little easier than the others, because we only need a couple simple rules." 

"Ah... where are we exactly?" her father asked tentatively.

Nabiki's lips tightened. "Never mind." She pointed a finger sharply at Ranma. "Rule number one: no fighting." Her finger moved on to Akane. "No bashing Ranma through walls." On to Genma Saotome. "No stealing, cheating, lying, drinking, or trying to run away out an air lock." She paused. "No matter how much good that would do us the rest of us."

Ranma and Akane were mirrors of affronted reproach, and Uncle Saotome was wide-eyed innocence. Nabiki sighed with something close to despair and bowed her head.

"Oh, just go away and figure it out for yourself. I'm going back to bed."

Genma nodded solemnly. "You must be prepared for new and difficult situations like this, Ranma. I don't see a problem with you handling this just as your training has taught you."

Growling, Ranma snatched up a bucket full of you-know-what. "What does a stupid panda know, anyway?" he snapped.

***

Crewman 1st Class Peter Hardy has seen his share of, well, rather odd happenings while serving on board the Enterprise. There were all sorts: new aliens and alien technologies, time and a dimensional-flux anomalies, strange and unfamiliar diseases... Most frequently, it seemed to be attempting communication with some new life form that was accidentally dragging them into a star, but Superior Beings Passing Judgement seemed to be a popular one, too.

Never in his career, however, had he seen an entire Japanese household lodge itself into a shuttle bay, complete with courtyard, dojo, and pond. He shrugged. At least it wasn't Q again.

Snapping sharp orders to his men, they surrounded the building, tri-quarters beeping and eyes scanning for readings. 

"Six life readings, sir," one of the men reported. "They appear to be human. Three men and three women." 

"HAA!!" 

"OOF!!"

*SPLASH*

"Uh... make that three women, two men, and a... panda?"

Hardy blinked. "Johnson, would you mind repeating that?"

The crewmen opened his mouth, but was cut off by the sound of another scuffle, followed by a crash, and then an enormous black-and-white panda came hurdling out the building, flying an incredible distance across the room to land face-first and slide to within inches of some of the men. The crewmen approached cautiously, hands fingering phasers, and leapt back when the bear abruptly bounded to its feet. It seemed to almost instantly grow in size and menace, a dark light pulsing around it as it whipped out a rough wooden sign with a somehow-familiar writing scrawled across it.

"Hey, Katsuhare, isn't that--"

"Yeah! I haven't seen it in years!"

"What does it say?"

"Uh, let's see... I think it says something like 'surrender your food, and you will not be harmed.'"

"Oh, poopy," Crewman Hardy sighed.

Authors notes:

Say, Hira, Hira! After FAR too long in semi-retirement, I have returned to spread the chaos again! Special thanks to Daimyo Shi for getting me going again. Please direct any C&C (PLEASE let there be some) to andreasona@msn.com. 

In any case, I'm back on the job, writing and reading. This story will be coming to a head soon, and I have most of it already planned out. If I can only stave off my homework a little longer...

In any case, I'm back whether you care, like it, or don't. 

Ciao,

AJ Andreason


End file.
